Week of November 6 – 12, 2011
Riders this week: 8,412
Rider miles this week: 63,711
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Justin Bieber was seen on the subway going from Bridgehampton to Water Mill last Wednesday morning. He was licking a coffee chip ice cream sugar cone which he said he had gotten at the Candy Kitchen after he ate his breakfast and please don’t tell his mother.
L.V.I.S. IMPROVES SUBWAY CARS
Several members of the Ladies Village Improvement Society of East Hampton came down to the platform in that town on Tuesday with curtains and vases of flowers to put on the 9 a.m. train as it came through, as a form of beautification. They stopped and posed for photographers and so missed the 9 a.m., but did get the next train, which came in at 9:20 a.m. As had been previously arranged, the train remained in the station for 60 seconds instead of the usual 30 and the women raced in and placed their beautification things and got back off in time, then seemed sad when the train pulled out heading west since it would no longer be in East Hampton. Two of the ladies did stay for an hour and 10 minutes to see the same train come through again, which it did, still decorated with the flowers and curtains, although by this time the flowers were askew.
FREE LIFETIME PASSES
As a special promotion this month, the Subway is offering free lifetime passes to anyone who has achieved the age of 100 and has the documents to prove it. The offer ends on November 29, so if you are in this category, hurry. Pick up your free lifetime pass at any ticket booth.
The whole subway system was backed up in a big traffic jam for 20 minutes last Wednesday afternoon beginning at 3 p.m. when a train, rounding the bend at Trout Pond in Noyac, went off the rails and came to a halt. This is the first derailment since the system was built in 1932. Fortunately, however, when it was originally built, they installed big steel hooks on heavy rolled up wire every 50 feet in the ceiling of the tunnels to deal with just such contingencies. The conductors only had to climb up onto the roof of the lead car, locate the nearest hook, pull it out to unspool the wire, attach it to the steel handle atop the lead car, press the button and watch as the device lifted the car and put it back on the track properly.
MISS HAMPTON SUBWAY BATHING BEAUTY CONTEST ANNOUNCED
New marketing director Alphonso de Pipp has sent out a press release announcing his new promotion, which is the naming of Miss Hampton Subway 2012 on New Year’s Day. Those entering must be over the age of 18, residents of the Hamptons, and must fill out the form at the main office of Hampton Subway in Hampton Bays before December 1 in order to compete.
Entrants will assemble in their swimsuits (bikinis encouraged) in the dark tunnel just west of the Southampton station on New Year’s Day at 8 a.m. (the system will open late, at 9 a.m. that day, as it always does on New Year’s Day), form a line and wait their turn to emerge walking down the tracks one at a time into a spotlight, accompanied by the music of a band and the roar of the crowd on the platform, for the judging. Entrants must not be afraid of rats or bats.
OCCUPY HAMPTON SUBWAY
Two dozen members of Occupy Hampton Subway boarded the subway at the Hampton Bays station last Thursday at 2:32 p.m. with signs reading “We Are the 99%” and have been riding around on that train ever since. They’ve apparently dispersed themselves three to a car since our trains are eight cars long.Straphangers are advised to leave them be, since they are only expressing themselves as is their right in this country in the land of the free.
In keeping with the new cutbacks by management on the Hampton Subway, the employee cafeteria in our Hampton Bays office will not serve food on Tuesdays. The cafeteria will be open however, and any employee who wishes to do so may bring in their own food and eat it there.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hampton Subway welcomes members of the Occupy Hampton Subway group. They are welcome to stay and ride the trains around and around the system as long as they don’t poke anybody in the eye with their signs.