The above is a police sketch that was drawn after a man was spotted stealing women’s underwear from an East Hampton home. According to police, a man was found in the basement of a house on Stephen Hands Path in East Hampton by a friend of the homeowner.
When the homeowner’s friend confronted the man, a brief fight between the two broke out and then the trespasser ran off into the woods carrying a large shopping bag that was filled with women’s underwear and bras.
Police were called, a manhunt ensued, but Captain Underpants was nowhere to be found. He is still at large.
So, Captain Underpants, if you are reading this, let me tell you something: I believe that you are a Fruit of the Lunatic. No matter where you run, no matter where you hide, you will get hunted down and brought to justice.
I am going to brief with you Captain Underpants—give yourself up.
If you think thongs are uncomfortable, just wait to see how comfortable you are in jail.
I have news for you, Captain Underpants—when you are found out and behind bars, you’ll be so scared you’ll have to change your knickers.
Just wait until we get Hanes on you, Captain Underpants…sorry, I meant to say handcuffs.
You better start going commando, Captain Underpants, because we’re sending our top police officers to find you.