This Is Satire People
I grew up in the Springs section of East Hampton. In my opinion, there was no better place in the world to grow up as a kid. I walked to school growing up, I played in the woods, I built tree houses with my friends in the summer time and played “man hunt” in the winter time. I’d run to my neighbors house, knock on the door and ask if my buddy was home. Then we’d ride bicycles to Maidstone with fishing rods, try and catch crabs or fish, and then we’d go home and eat dinner. It was like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Since then I’ve heard terrible things about Springs. I’ve heard that there are criminal immigrants there. I’ve heard that the school system is a nightmare. I’ve heard that people there are in general, bad people, that it is not nice, and that there is a lot of crime due to overpopulation of housing and that latino kids are in the streets running wild.
I live in Southampton now, and haven’t been to Springs in a while, so I decided to see what all the fuss is about. I strapped on my combat boots, left my wallet at home, and decided that I would go for a walk through the dangerous and rough hood now known as Springs.
I have to say this after my recent walk. EVERYBODY is right. Springs is dangerous.
While walking down the street I was immediately attacked by a latino kid. He beat me into a bloody pulp, and then when he found out I didn’t have money, he kicked me in the groin. “Gracias,” I said. He then shot me in the leg with a .45 caliber pistol.
I walked past the school, the school I grew up in and was met by a street gang known as the Fishing Boys, who now are apparently running the school. They walk around armed with AK-47s, killing people for the sport of it. I then saw an entire family sitting down on the street, pan handling, all of the children were blind from mal-nutrition.
Walking down Gardiner’s Avenue, the street I grew up on, I saw wild dogs running loose and feeding on the dead bodies of recent gang warfare victims. Several houses were on fire, police have given up on the area. It’s basically all on fire. Think Iraq meets Afghanistan meets Vietnam, but all taking place in Ecuador.
I thought I might get raped, but I avoided it. Apparently I’m losing my sex appeal. It’s bad there man. It’s real bad. Man I’m telling you, all of the tough guys and hard families live there. Avoid it. People are raising there families, sending their kids to school, living in houses, going to the bay beaches, supporting their community, taking their boats out, having outdoor bar-b-ques, it’s just pure chaos.