Warning: This article contains sexual content that may not be suitable for persons under the age of 18.
I am a man of the people. I try to help when I can. On my street I am known for giving excellent advice. I have been compared to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Ruth all wrapped up in a handsome and sophisticated package of humbleness.
There is not a neighbor on my street that has not sought the advice of Mr. Sneiv. For instance, last fall John was having a problem with male baldness. I counseled him to rub clam juice on his head before he went to bed and now he has more hair than a chia pet on steroids.
My most recent request for advice came from Leo, whose wife caught him over Memorial Day weekend catching quick glimpses at women’s butts on the beach. I told him to invoke the five-second rule. The rule is like the one where if you drop food on the floor and pick it up within five seconds, it is safe to eat. After explaining to his wife that he looked at the women’s backsides for less than five seconds, and that the rule applied, peace was restored to the home. “Thanks Mr. Sneiv.”
Why must women get jealous at their partners looking at other women? Do we get mad when we take our women to a Giants game where all the players are wearing tight pants?
This counseling session with Leo got me thinking. Forget the five-second rule, maybe I should come up with a solution for all men who enjoy watching the posterior of bikini-clad women during the summer months in the Hamptons.
Combining my understanding of women, which I was forced to learn on the streets, and my background in marketing, led me to a solution; “Nothing Butt Advertising.” You might think it’s silly, but many people also laughed when the guy decided to combine peanut butter and chocolate in a single candy treat.
What if East End businesses advertised their products and services on the butts of the bikini-clad women who wander the beach? In this way, the businesses get their product or service out there, the scantly dressed women get paid a fee for their services and husbands and boyfriends have an excuse for looking at the bikini butts. “Honey, I was just looking for a great restaurant to take you out to tonight,” could be the reply to a partner’s complaint.
Plus size women will actually be rewarded for being a few pounds overweight as they have more advertising space available for rent. Thongs are no problem because there is always body paint.
Yes my male subjects. That is the solution. I will put the wheels in motion this week and then all men can enjoy their summer time gawking at the beach. The best partof it is that wives and girlfriends are so stupid that they will never figure out that their men are not really reading the advertisements.
Oops…sometimes Mr. Sneiv talks too much. Any advice on how I can get my girlfriend to let me back in the house?