Dubstep, it’s a new thing, but in the Hamptons, especially on Shelter Island, it causes problems, lots of problems. Old Man McGumbus, needless to say, does not like dubstep. Here’s your Hamptons Police Blotter for this week.
A nightclub in East Hampton received numerous complaints from neighbors about excessive noise. Here’s a tip for homeowners, don’t live near a nightclub.
Ten people were arrested last week in conjunction with a prostitution ring in Riverside. Undercover police officers made the arrests during a sting in which the officers negotiated sex acts with a pimp. Stay classy Riverside, stay classy.
A taxi driver in Sag Harbor was arrested after he was caught driving while under the influence and in possession of marijuana. The man was arrested after police stopped him for pulling over on the side of the road to urinate. There are no words.
A man was arrested for hitting another man in the face with a bale of hay. He posted bail the same day, he lives by the bay, the incident took place in May…
Old Man McGumbus, 105-year-old, former World War II Atomic Bomb tester, and current President of the Shelter Island Tomato Club, reported that he was abducted by aliens last week.
McGumbus walked into the police station without any pants on at 3 a.m. on Thursday, and appeared to be intoxicated. He told officers that he was just abducted by aliens and that he needed to get in touch with the President. “THEY’RE HERE! THEY JUST TOOK ME, THEY MADE ME LISTEN TO THAT GOD DAMN HIPPIE MUSIC! WHAT ARE THEY CALLING IT THESE DAYS? DUBBA STEPPA?”
The report indicated that at 2:03 a.m., McGumbus was abducted by creatures from a flying saucer that hovered over the top of his home. The creatures then did experiments on McGumbus, which included electric shocks, anal probes and being forced to listen to the music of Skrillex at high volumes. He then stated that they made him drink alcohol in excess. “We need to nuke these bastards.”
McGumbus spent the night in the Shelter Island drunk tank, and when he recovered from the next day, he had no recollection of the previous night. He told reporters that he believes his memory has been wiped, and that he is currently working on a weapon inside of his house that will “send these aliens a message they won’t soon forget.”
We’ll keep you posted on the events that follow.
A man in Sag Harbor was pulled over and was assessed by police to be driving while intoxicated. The man was then found to possess a baggy that contained over 10 different brands of prescription drugs, including anti-depressants and painkillers.