Riders this past week: 11,812
Rider miles this past week: 88,421
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jon Stewart was seen on the subway going from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor last Sunday studying a script with great concentration. He did not appear to notice E. L. Doctorow sitting across from him, staring out the window.
At 2:12 a.m. last Thursday, just after we printed the newsletter, something very strange happened on the system. Twelve minutes after the subway system closed for its nightly maintenance, but 28 minutes before the workmen begin heading out to the tunnels and platforms to do their work, a strange subway train, silver and white, completely not one of our trains, came whizzing through the stations at speeds in excess of 80 miles an hour. Nobody appeared to be in it, and it didn’t stop at any stations. We don’t know what this was. But all 71 workmen on the system saw it during the 20 minutes it took to roar through every station at that speed. Its horn made a continuous, mournful wailing sound. Then it was gone. A number of workmen refused to go out to do the maintenance after it went through, but others doubled up to get the job done. If you have any information about this, please write us at email@example.com.
ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO FIX TROUT POND TURN
For the third time in four years, our maintenance department is going to be adjusting the tracks where the train makes the sharp turn under Trout Pond in Noyac. The goal is to eliminate or reduce the loud screeching sound the subway makes as it goes through that stretch. It has something to do with the angle of the tracks at the turn.
RULES FOR SANTA CLAUSES
At the request of some of our passengers, we are for the first time putting into effect rules for people who work at stores as Santa Claus during the holiday season. If you either come to work or go home in full Santa costume, please note that only one Santa is allowed in any one subway car. Having more than one in a subway car is confusing to children. If there is already a Santa in the subway car you are boarding, go down the aisle and into the next car, or the next car you can find that doesn’t have one.
Due to the efforts of our new marketing director, Pablo Perez, all the platforms and tunnels were festooned with Christmas lights and other holiday decorations last Sunday during late-night maintenance. Top speed of all trains will drop 12 miles an hour from now until Christmas Day in order to keep the wind made by the moving trains from ripping the decorations from the walls so they wrap themselves around the wheels and gum up the works. A perk of this necessity is that subway riders will have the extra treat of watching the decorations out the windows longer than they would have otherwise as they go by. So plan to leave a little earlier than you might otherwise to make up for the delay on the subway. Also be careful not to trip over the wires taped to the platform that go out to the various displays. You’re on your own on this one. PR Director Perez is now also trying to get other subway systems in the country to put up decorations so we can have a competition and a gold cup for the winner. So far, though, he’s been turned down at every turn.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Christmas on our subway is my favorite time of the year. I hope you feel that way too. Warm wishes to all.