American Idol is back, hurray! I love the show, especially the auditions, which range from amazingly terrific to amazingly horrible between every set of commercials. But if Shelter Island had an Idol contest, we’d be looking for very different talents…if you think you can do any of these things with skill, we might have a spot for you.
1.) Pharmacy Parking. The ability to locate and get into a parking space anywhere near the pharmacy in July or August, within 20 minutes of circling.
2.) Parishioner Roll. The ability to catch any parishioner who has tripped coming out of Our Lady of the Isle Catholic Church, and is now rolling down the steep hill towards the parking lot across the street, before they roll into the street.
3.) The Line Cut. The ability to convince everyone in the North Ferry line in the summer, that you have a good enough reason to get on the boat first (by the way, this has never been done, but if you have a roll of hundreds, you might try…).
4.) The Key Toss. Trying to get someone’s attention in a full school auditorium by hitting him or her with your keys from the back of the room.
5.) Bike Herding. Herding groups of cyclists off the road and making them think it was unintentional.
6.) Backpack Throw. For distance and accuracy. Throwing a forgotten backpack at your child as you roll through the school drop-off lane.
7.) The Sandwich Throw. For accuracy. Throwing a sandwich into the driver’s window of a truck approaching you from the opposite direction. Said truck being driven by a
man who was told four times that his lunch was on the counter, forgot it anyway and called you anyway to throw it to him on your way to work….
8.) The Medication Toss. For distance and accuracy. Pulling into a driveway, throwing a bottle with something needed or forgotten to the recipient in the doorway.
9.) Deer Hunter Hunting. For stealth. Locating a hiding hunter to deliver a thermos of coffee or tomato soup.
10.) Scream Stifling. For speed in the face of a pointed rifle. The swiftness with which you can cover your mouth to stifle a scream after finding a hiding hunter, and because you wore your lovely sage green chenille sweater, the over-eager fool nearly shot you for dinner.
Well, that’s a short list of some of the kinds of talents we admire around here, but the best talent is number 11.
11.) Prayer Recitation:
The amount of prayers you can recite as the ferry crashes into huge chunks of floating ice. Hearing them slam into the side of the boat and from the loudness of the echo, you are certain the next hit will tear the side open.