It was by far the strangest funeral to have ever taken place on Shelter Island in recent memory. Then there was the guy who got attacked by his girlfriend with a gun. What a week in the Hamptons.
A man in Hampton Bays walked into police headquarters and asked one of the officers if he could “legally beat the crap” out of a guy who was not paying for his landscaping services. The officer told the man that he could do it if wanted to “legally end up in prison.”
A man reported to police in Southampton that his girlfriend struck him in the face with a wooden baseball bat and broke a picture on his wall while the two were in an argument. He said she then threatened him with a gun. This is not what they mean by shotgun wedding.
After his body was discovered in a dumpster last week, all of Shelter Island—as well as several U.S. senators, war veterans and Donald Trump—came out to bid farewell to Old Man McGumbus, 105 years old, founder of Machine Guns and Hot Dames magazine and former WWII flame-thrower specialist. The funeral was held at the historic Shelter Island Mussels Cemetery off of Biscuit Street, where a 17-acre plot of land set aside for McGumbus’ 29-foot-tall Roman marble monument (of a large Howitzer cannon) was surrounded by sobbing masses.
During a touching speech given in Russian by the Old Man’s former girlfriend, 26-year-old Natasha Dobraski, the casket was lowered, began to emit an odd pounding noise and then suddenly exploded, revealing Old Man McGumbus, who had caught fire from the explosion. After his mustache was doused, McGumbus explained to the terrified audience, “All I know is that one minute I was drinking whiskey at the Wet Clam and then next minute I’m using my spare hand grenade to bust out of this box. Who the hell put me in there? Where is he? Oh, hey Donald, good to see you.” McGumbus was arrested for the illegal use of a hand grenade and subsequently released.
A deer was hit by a car in East Hampton. The incident was reported to police, and the driver was not injured in the accident. The deer refused medical treatment.
A man driving a car covered in dried mud was pulled over in Southampton because police could see through neither his driver’s side nor his passenger side window. When they asked the man for his driver’s license, he presented a license that did not appear to show him in the picture. When questioned, he explained that back then he didn’t have a full tribal face tattoo and a handlebar mustache.