Many East Enders have figured out ways to make additional money during the busy summer season. Some rent their houses out for big bucks and temporarily relocate to more humble digs. Others sell various wares to eager tourists. There are boat captains who do charters as well as others who offer various types of recreational offerings. None of these fit my personality, but nevertheless, I like the idea of building a nest egg in the summer so I can live larger in the winter. With that in mind, and given the affluence of the East End, I decided this past winter to get an advanced degree that would serve my effort to bolster my bank account this summer.
I applied to and was accepted to two rather prestigious higher learning institutions, the University of Hawaiian Tropic and Coppertone University. However, neither offered an online course, so in the end I chose The University of Tannessee, where I am proud to announce that I have earned a Masters of Tanning.
With my new degree, I’m now prepared to offer my services as a tanning consultant to the wealthiest of East End beachgoers. Celebs are often photographed on vacation by paparazzi and a perfect tan can go a long way. This is no different than paying a high-priced fashion consultant and, in fact, the tan will last longer than the three or four hours that an outfit will be worn. And of course, as any tanning consultant will tell you, we’re also providing “peace of mind” to the client as it relates to the potential of overexposure to the sun.
The curriculum at TU was grueling, to say the least. Just to give you an example, my final exam included being able to correctly identify the six basic skin types and demonstrating the various application techniques as they relate to uncovered skin, lips, nose, ears, neck, hands and feet. There were even questions that included protecting babies from the effects of the sun. Most people aren’t aware of this, but eliminating bikini lines and diaper lines should be addressed in completely different ways.
I also had to demonstrate proficiency in identifying the various types of sunscreen that should be applied as well as the suggested frequency of the applications.
As a marketing teaser and to introduce my consulting business, I’m going to offer a few freebies to Dan’s Readers:
• Apply sunscreen 15 minutes before going out in the sun
• Reapply sunscreen every 2 hours
• If you don’t have much hair, apply sunscreen to the top of your head
• Ask a health care professional before applying sunscreen to an infant under 6 months old
• Only wear sunglasses that provide 99%-100% UV protection. Wraparound sunglasses are the best.
• If you have a family history of skin cancer, be extra cautious and consult your physician prior to seeking a tan.
The cost of my services, which include the period of 15 minutes before sunrise and continue until sunset, is only $5,000 per day. This is good for a single individual. An additional $500 will be charged for each additional family member to be included in the consultation. Pregnant women will be charged $250 additional, since the baby has yet to emerge. I’m offering a onetime 10% introductory discount offer for Readers.
As part of my program, all clients will also be given a 5” x 7” before and after picture of their suntans—featuring both front and back views.
I’m Mr. Sneiv and I look forward to serving the elite clientele of the East End.
Disclaimer: Mr. Sneiv will not be providing tanning consulting services to nudists or excessively hairy men. Mr. Sneiv doesn’t guarantee the length of time the tan will remain with the client. There’s no guarantee that the sun will shine on the scheduled day of service. No refunds are offered. The only form of payment accepted is cash or Black American Express or Visa cards.
For those who can’t afford my services, but are concerned about the potential dangers of exposure to the sun, there is a great website skincancerprevention.org that can be accessed for additional info.