QUIOGUE MAKES THE BLOTTER
The residents of Quiogue now have a reason to be proud of more than just the name of their village, a name that is otherwise famous for looking like someone misspelled “Quogue.” That’s right, Quiogue has made the blotter! For too many years, the worthy people of Quiogue have watched in dismay as Quogue and even East Quogue have received respectable coverage in the crime reports, and they wondered when Quiogue’s day would come. One time, they even saw the word “Quiogue” in the blotter, but then it turned out to be a typo. Now, however, Quiogue’s wait is at an end. The details: Coleman McCarthy, 48, ran into two utility poles on Montauk Highway, reportedly fled the scene, and was later apprehended at his Quiogue home. Not a big deal. What is a big deal? Quiogue made the blotter!
MCGUMBUS GETS READY FOR THE SHUTDOWN
Shelter Island supermarket shelves have been curiously devoid of Spam for the past week, and police were alerted to the low supplies of Schlitz beer, which they determined was not a threat to public health. Then, on Tuesday, it was discovered that all of the popcorn and ice cream had disappeared from Shelter Island markets. Panic set in, and police were called in to calm the situation. It turns out that Old Man McGumbus, 103, WWII veteran and supply-line specialist, had commandeered the missing merchandise and had stockpiled it in his home. “Boehner’s gonna shut the place down, and I just wanted to protect our essential foodstuffs from marauding hippie Obamacare moochers,” claimed McGumbus, before letting out a colossal belch.
WALLET REAPPEARS IN SAG HARBOR
A pink wallet, which had been whisked away to be a bauble for the gods to play with and admire, suddenly and without warning reappeared in Sag Harbor on Monday. It showed no signs of the unseen world in which it had moved, and betrayed no secrets about the supernatural powers it had been subject to.
CRIME HEATS UP REMSENBERG
In what police are theorizing is a string of related burglaries, a number of homes in Remsenburg and Westhampton Beach have had their air-conditioning units stripped. Police say the thieves, who have destroyed a reported 20 air-conditioners so far, are probably interested in the copper piping that is contained in the units. While it’s obviously frustrating for police to deal with the air-conditioner thieves, there are reports that they are in some ways impressed, not by the perps’ ability to evade capture thus far, but for actually knowing “where Remsenburg is.”
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