Welcome to our weekly Revenge recap series, where you’ll get a Hamptons perspective on ABC’s hit show. Consult our primer for characters and background, and make sure to check out last week’s recap to see what you missed.
And now, Episode 4: Mercy…
At Grayson Manor, Victoria cries to herself while playing piano, where she’s interrupted by Patrick, who offers words of comfort for her rapidly crumbling life (being bankrupt, her husband about to blow a decades-old secret about their domestic terrorism). Patrick suggests she sell some of her paintings so the two can move out of the Hamptons together.
Father Paul and Conrad are rushed to the ER after a car crash. Emily arrives and is devastated to learn that Father Paul has died. She runs into Patrick, and they share a civil moment as Patrick feels dejected that Daniel booted him from Conrad’s room, saying he’s not family. Back in the boonies of Montauk, Charlotte – who continues to be on a different show than everyone else – asks Jack if he had a chance to look at some of her proposed redesigns for his Stowaway bar. After he humors his honorary sister-in-law, she mentions that she’s only Emily’s maid of honor for Daniel’s sake. She’s disappointed when Jack announces he’s not going to the wedding.
Back at Suffolk Hospital, Conrad is concerned that Charlotte will hear about the accident on Twitter. Really, Conrad, that’s what you’re concerned about right now? Victoria is still furious, but Conrad assures her that he’s reconsidering exposing their secret after his brush with death. Emily arrives and announces that Father Paul is dead. Proving that no good deed goes unpunished for poor Father Paul, Conrad spins a story about how Father Paul wanted to drive the Ferrari and couldn’t handle the speed and crashed. Victoria calls his bluff and storms out. Daniel asks Emily if she saw who was driving the car, and she grudgingly complies with Conrad. “You are my guardian angel, Emily,” Conrad gushes. “Who knows where I’d be without you?”
The next day, Emily debriefs Nolan and Aiden about the series of unfortunate incidents, and Nolan, in the first of several great zingers during the episode, notes that Conrad likely crashed the car because he was having an “Emmisode” from the pills she’s been giving him. She’s not amused, and asks Nolan to hack into the police department to get some info. He refuses; he’s still not using computers. Besides, he’s got his own “Revengenda” to carry out this week.
Hamptons Authenticity Alert! In previous episodes they’ve called the local PD, the Hamptons Police Department—there’s definitely no such thing. We are actually a collection of villages and towns, each with their own police force.
At the (also totally fictional) Sheila Lurie Gallery, Victoria meets with her old friend Sheila to reminisce and casually ask for a job. She’s desperate, after all. Sheila, who has a mean-spirited glint in her eye, is happy to offer Victoria a position. Of course, Sheila insists that they’ll have to throw a nice reception at the gallery with all of Victoria’s high-society friends and connections. Victoria looks mortified.
Back at the only safe place in Montauk (the Voulez offices), Emily walks in on Daniel paying off a detective to stop investigating Conrad’s accident. He assures Emily that he’s given her statement to the nice detective, who leaves. Emily’s livid with her fiance and storms out, but is stopped by an assistant, who asks if she can go interrupt Daniel because she needs a quick blurb about him for the first issue. Emily grins and offers to write it up.
At the country club, Nolan approaches Patrick, who is once again shirtless and staring wistfully at the ocean. The two have a moment when Patrick asks Nolan if he’s ever felt like an outcast. “Story of my life,” says Nolan. Patrick walks off and Nolan slyly snatches his wallet.
Conrad, who is still trying to get in touch with Charlotte (someone should tell him to stop worrying; he hasn’t trended on Twitter since Season 1), is not happy to learn that Victoria has moved Aiden into the pool house. Aiden calls Emily, who’s made the trek back to the poor side of town (Montauk) to talk to Jack. Emily tells Jack that she’s been foiled again, and Jack asks if he can help her with her schemes. She begs him to stay out of it.
Emily plays innocent when an angry Daniel accuses her of trying to hurt him with the bio she wrote about him. She insists she thought mentioning his DUI would show his character, but he doesn’t buy it. Emily admits that she thinks Daniel paying off the detective was disgusting, and storms out. Daniel warns her that if she leaves, he won’t be there when she gets back. “Don’t forget to turn on the alarm,” she snipes.
Patrick feels lonely when Victoria can’t join him for a totally appropriate walk on the beach because she has to call Daniel and Charlotte and invite them to her gallery party. Elsewhere Nolan succumbs to his temptations and pulls out a computer to do some background checking on Patrick. Later, Patrick brings one of Victoria’s paintings to Sheila and arranges to sell it without Victoria’s consent. What is going on here?
Aiden, doing Emily’s dirty work, switches Conrad’s pills. Meanwhile, Emily – who is in full Season 2 spy attire – goes to the junkyard to find Conrad’s Ferrari and is startled to find Jack there. Jack tells her Conrad had to be driving; he has burns on his face from an airbag… and the airbag has been conveniently removed from the car. The car is demolished, but Jack took a video of it beforehand. He shocks her by threatening her: either he exposes Conrad or he exposes her. It took two years, but Jack finally grew a backbone to go with those biceps!
At the gallery, Victoria is forced to smile as she is politely ridiculed and humiliated by her former “friends,” who are all happy to see the former Queen off her high horse. Victoria tells Emily that she’ll never forgive her for exposing her bankruptcy, and Emily cruelly and cheerfully says she hopes to be Victoria’s first commission. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve – when Sheila orders her to replace a light bulb, Victoria accuses Sheila of stealing her painting and selling it without her consent. Sheila tells her Patrick sold her the painting – which, surprise, Victoria planned! – and Victoria tells her that she hoped Sheila would be a friend, rather than humiliate her. The two strike a deal, which ends with Victoria becoming the gallery’s new owner.
Back at the manse, Conrad imparts some words of wisdom to Daniel: don’t forgive Emily just yet. Show her who’s boss. Because that’s worked so well for his marriage. He thanks Daniel for paying off the detective, but Daniel assures him that he only did it because he didn’t want the family to be associated with scandal right before the first issue of Voulez. He walks off, leaving Conrad alone to ponder, but his moment of introspection is interrupted by a mysterious phone call…
Nolan heads to Florida and meets Lacey (played by Devious Maids star Brianna Brown), Patrick’s ex-wife! He offers her $20,000 in exchange for some information. Lacey calls Patrick a liar and a loser, but asks Nolan what he wants to know.
At the bar (sorry guys, I’m running out of Montauk jokes), Jack drops a major bombshell on Emily: Conrad’s brakes were cut. This (not) shocking revelation is cut short when Emily is summoned back to Grayson Manor for an announcement by Conrad. She quickly meets with Aiden, who swears that he didn’t cut Conrad’s brakes, then tells him that Jack knows her true identity (how did he not know this yet?).
Conrad announces that the hospital misdiagnosed him and he’s not suffering from Huntington’s after all. Emily just can’t win tonight! I’d like to point out that Southampton Hospital would never make a mistake like that. Afterward, Emily apologizes to Daniel for what she wrote in his bio, but her extremely unconvincing “I love you” isn’t enough for him and the two continue to be at odds.
Nolan gives Patrick his wallet back and spins a story about how he found it, but Patrick is skeptical. Nolan admits that he learned some interesting information about Patrick. Patrick is confused until Nolan leans in to kiss him. After Patrick pulls away and calls Nolan presumptuous, Nolan stammers an apology but Patrick smiles and passionately kisses him! “Have mercy,” Nolan purrs.
At Grayson Manor, Conrad snarkily congratulates Victoria on her new gallery before being interrupted by Aiden, who has important news. Aiden reveals that Conrad’s brakes were cut – and blames Jack!
Who tried to kill Conrad? Basically every character on the show is a suspect, but I’m going to make a guess: Patrick. He’s already shown that he’ll scheme for his new mom, and what do we know about him (other than that he’s apparently a great kisser)? Meanwhile, Aiden better watch out going after Jack! He’s becoming the epitome of psycho ex-boyfriend, and Jack came long before Aiden was even a blip on Emily’s radar.
Season 3, Episode 4 Takedown: None officially, but Victoria’s mini-takedown of Sheila Lurie rocked.
Best Moment: Patrick and Nolan’s “have mercy” kiss
Worst Moment: Emily at the junkyard
Question of the Week: This isn’t the first time the Graysons have spun a story to get out of trouble. Who eventually took the rap for Tyler Barrol’s murder?
By the way, Conrad’s Twitter mention turned out to have a meaning after all! ABC wants viewers to tweet #HamptonsKiller and guess who tried to kill Conrad. Check back later in the week for a Revenge Top 5 list (Last week: Top 5 Hamptons Geography Errors) and get the scoop on Episode 5, “Control,” on Monday.