Not Clear On The Concept
Residents of areas surrounding a local beach were placed in lockdown for their own safety after a confused participant showed up to a Polar Bear Plunge event with an actual polar bear. Although advised several times that the annual charity event consisted of people, not polar bears, jumping into the frigid surf, the disbelieving man let the polar bear out of its cage, which was attached to his pickup truck, and attempted to steer the beast toward the water using an electric prod. The bear easily knocked the man over and began chasing after frightened onlookers. Police ordered the lockdown and sent in their special-ops animal control force to locate and subdue the bear.
Christmas In The Clink
On Christmas Eve, police arrested Violet Bick of Pottersville, NY on charges of pickpocketing. Bick, previously a beauty queen of Bedford Falls, also in New York, has recently fallen on hard times in Pottersville and has taken to performing striptease and dancing for dimes. Apparently, she supplemented her income by extracting sums of money from her dancing partners’ pockets. Bick put up a loud and violent struggle, requiring four police officers to force her into a cruiser before she could be taken to spend the night in the overcrowded Pottersville jail. In a separate report, Pottersville police also reported the sudden disappearance of one George Bailey. Any information as to Bailey’s whereabouts will be greatly appreciated.
Night of One Thousand McGumbuses Cancelled
Shelter Island health inspectors shut down the 1st annual Night of One Thousand McGumbuses celebration, which had been scheduled for Dec. 23, before it even got underway. The event, planned by Old Man McGumbus as a way to honor what he calls “the true spirit of Christmas, dammit,” was to have featured a reindeer shooting contest, a refreshment tent with barbecued reindeer treats, a craft table where kids could make ornaments out of real reindeer antlers, and a gun show. It’s not known how many $150 tickets were sold in advance. Attendees were supposed to have dressed as McGumbus, and the one with the best costume was to have been crowned “McGumbus for the Night,” with undisclosed honors and privileges to be announced during the event. A December 22 health inspection of McGumbus’s facilities reportedly revealed inadequacies across the board, including in an evident plan to use reindeer slaughtered in the shooting contest to provide meat for the barbecue, in direct violation of numerous public health statutes. Reached for comment, McGumbus was defiant: “Another cherished tradition has been spoiled because of the hippies’ war on Christmas, but we won’t give up.”