Happy Festivus, Hamptonites
The holiday, “a Festivus for the rest of us,” is upon us in all its glory. Popularized by Seinfeld, Festivus kicks off the more “traditional” holidays of Christmas Eve and Christmas by helping us to remember the true meaning of the season.
Celebrated, to quote Wikipedia, “with varying degrees of seriousness,” Festivus generally begins in the evening, as families gather around for a Festivus dinner near a Festivus pole. The pole is unadorned and aluminum. It is unclear whether alcohol has to be served, but it probably should be. Because…
After the meal is the traditional Airing of Grievances, during which time people go around the table and state all the ways in which everyone else has disappointed them this year. An example of ways in which the Hamptons have disappointed:
—The Memorial Day weekend weather. It rained—freezing rain—Saturday and Sunday.
—The “mother reveal” seen in How I Met Your Mother. Writers of the show should have realized that there is no Farhampton.
—County Road 39. Traffic problem still not solved.
—What ever happened to the Water Mill turkey?
—The cronut never did make it out here…
—Knowing that there are so many Billy Joel shows to attend, but not being able to get tickets.
Though Seinfeld doesn’t allude to this, it’s widely speculated that Festivus—in particular the Airing of Grievances—has helped to save a number of local Christmases. Families, many of whom find themselves all together for the first time the whole year, yell at each other before the holiday instead of on the holiday. A Festivus miracle?
After everyone is sufficiently angry at one another at the Festivus table, two lucky attendees compete in the Feats of Strength. A chosen member of the table must wrestle the head of the household to the ground. Festivus does not end until he or she is pinned.
Festivus miracles have also become wildly popular. Is the miracle for Festivus 2013 today’s weather? Imagine if all this rain was snow. Can you say “no holiday travel for you.” For another miracle, Google “Festivus.” The search results page will display a Festivus pole down the left side of the page.