Epidemic Of Sober Drivers
A police checkpoint set up along the highway this past week stopped in excess of 200 drivers making their way east. Among these 200 drivers, fully 196 were found to be “unimpaired” by alcohol or drugs. Given that the checkpoint was operating between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m., local officials have become alarmed by what would appear to be a local outbreak of safe, sober driving at just the time of night when they would expect large numbers of drunken motorists. While some worry that this sobriety may be a trend, others point out that “it’s the off-season,” and that we can expect a robust return of impaired driving come spring. Meanwhile, jail cells will likely be operating below capacity for the foreseeable future.
Conspiracy Of Deer
East End police forces broke up what they describe as a “full-blown anti-human conspiracy” that was allegedly being hatched among the burgeoning deer population of the area. In a wide-ranging investigation that involved dressing several pairs of law-enforcement officers up as white-tailed deer in order to infiltrate clandestine meetings, police say they uncovered a plot that was to have involved a massive number of deer performing kamikaze missions against civilian motorists. Apparently, many test-runs of this procedure had already been enacted. While police can’t be sure what the deer hoped to accomplish with these attacks, they assure the public that they have issued cease and desist orders to the deer and that motorists should alert them if any deer violate the terms of these agreements.
McGumbus’S New Year’s Rockin’ Eve
Old Man McGumbus, 103, WWII veteran and self-described “party animal,” had Shelter Island jumping on New Year’s Eve. McGumbus, popularly known as “the world’s oldest old guy,” had secretly been planning festivities for months. At 4 p.m. on December 31, he wheeled his trusty old Victrola to the center of town and began “spinning the oldies and cuttin’ a rug”—which for him apparently meant repeatedly playing “Skip To My Lou” while forcibly twerking with unsuspecting females who happened to pass by. Nightfall found McGumbus launching improvised fireworks made from his secret cache of unexploded ordnance, rockets that seemed rigged to detonate on contact with the ground. Police are continuing to investigate and account for any damage to property. Finally, at 10 p.m., McGumbus yelled “Let’s just drop the damn ball.” He thereupon hoisted a glittering ball, fashioned from a colorful assortment of empty beer bottles held together with string and caulk, up the village flagpole and let it drop freely to the ground. With that, he declared it officially “2014, and I ain’t dead yet!” After a brief rest and rally, his launch of Old Man Rye followed.