Most of us know that on Friday, February 7, the Sochi Winter Olympics began. Sochi Russia (former Soviet Union) is 5,235 miles from the heart of the Hamptons and many of us will be watching the Games and rooting for the good old U.S.A.
Should we hold our own Olympics in the Hamptons? Certainly the terrain would alter the events, but I feel we could still come up with a reasonable number of winter events. What would the events be?
In order to answer these questions I had to enlist the assistance of numerous friends. And just for the record, it also cost me $438.52 in libations. So here we go:
1. Human Sledding: Whichever athlete can tow for 40 miles the greatest number of dogs on a sled gets the gold. We all know how much we love our canine friends in the Hamptons, so athletes pulling dogs vs. dogs pulling athletes should be a welcome change.
2. Snow Shoe Marathon: Starts at the Big Duck in Flanders (weather permitting), continues to Riverhead, where the contestants must stop and consume three large Roadhouse pizzas, and then continues to the finish line at the base of the Montauk Point Lighthouse.
3. Sag Harbor Long Wharf Village Pier Fetch: Athletes have to run from the beginning of the Long Wharf to the end, fetch three live lobsters and carry them back to the starting line. The challenge is the fact that the lobsters do not have their claws bound and the athletes must have both hands tied behind their backs. Advantage lobster!
4. Swan Kissing: Find the swan and kiss it on the head. Cameras mounted on the heads of the athletes will record the process.
5. Polar Dipping: Participants must immerse themselves in the coastal waters off Montauk, up to their necks, and stay that way until the last athlete is left with their head above water. Memorial services will be held immediately following the Olympics for everyone but the winner.
6. Winter Ice Cream Consumption: Takes place curbside in Westhampton and whoever eats the most ice cream in a 30-minute period wins the gold medal.
7. LIRR Exposed Roof Riding: Athletes ride on the roof of the train, sans clothing, from Montauk to the end of the line. At each stop, lesser athletes may surrender and concede defeat. This will obviously be the most watched event. Proud male athletes wish to remind viewers that the weather is cold and may result in shrinkage.
8. Winter Archery: Athletes must tag a representative of the Long Island Farm Bureau with a tranquilizer dart, before those “hired guns” have a chance to shoot a whitetail deer. Post tranquilization, they must hog tie and deliver the vermin to an angry mob of bystanders in Southampton.
9. Cold Weather Duck Hunting: Athletes will be required to hunt ducks from various East End blinds using only slingshots.
11. Cold Weather Celebrity Spotting: Over a 24-hour period, whoever takes the most photographs of East End celebrities goes home a winner.
12. Red Nose Rally: Athletes are left outside until frostbite occurs. The last one with a nose left on their face wins.
You may think that some of these are ridiculous, but in reality, they are no more ridiculous than actual Olympic events, such as the half-pipe, bobsleigh, curling, and the skeleton.
Note: In the event that the Hamptons Winter Olympics does take place, Mr. Sniev will be reporting live via the Dan’s Papers Satellite Network (Channel 9068), with in-depth coverage of the Games. At his side will be field reporters, the beautiful Christie Brinkley and the effervescent Anderson Cooper.