Along with outlining some longterm goals to battle climate change, Southampton billionaire Derwood Hodgegrass announced this week that he intends to eliminate snow in the Hamptons for the rest of the winter.
“It may seem impossible, but I will free the region of its snowy bonds,” Hodgegrass said during an impromptu press conference via Skype on Monday. “I always get what I want, and what I want right now is for it to stop snowing,” he continued, noting that the bad weather had forced him to cancel at least two parties this winter, and “multiple interludes with my lady friends.”
Hodgegrass said the team of “brilliant minds” at his Elysium Workshop think tank have devised a way to stop snowfall at its source. “Using the technology from my much maligned and misunderstood Sea-Lysium VII ocean warmer, we will launch balloons and/or rockets into the atmosphere and warm cloud formations to just above 5 degrees celsius, thereby making it impossible for snow or sleet to form,” the billionaire explained, noting that rockets would deliver heat in a “quick reaction scenario,” while his remote balloons would actually hover within the clouds, steadily releasing warmth over extended periods of time.
Should his balloons go astray or malfunction, Hodgegrass said the rockets could be launched for more focused and immediate results.
“It’s incredibly important that all citizens take up arms in this battle against climate change,” he said. “In time, we may be able to send unmanned drones into the stratosphere and begin perforating the ozone layer, creating steady, year-round warmth.”
Recalling the words of his friend and occasional speedboating partner Secretary of State John Kerry, Hodgegrass remarked, “We can’t let this crazy minority of shoddy scientists, junk science and ideologues fool us into ignoring scientific fact—climate change is happening and Elysium Workshop will lead the charge against it.”
Hodgegrass showed off the first prototypes of his cloud warmers, calling the balloon system “Sky-Lysium 1.0,” and the rocket “SnowBlank,” after his favorite movie assassin. “My people will streamline their designs, but the current models have already proven effective, virtually eliminating all snowfall above and around Hodgegrass Mansion in Southampton.”
If all goes according to plan and community blowback stays at a minimum, Elysium Workshop lead engineer and former Soviet military scientist Kirill Blatov said the Hamptons could be snow free by March 10.