Police have received advance intelligence reports of questionable activities planned for this Sunday, April 20. First, they are warning the public to be prepared for flocks of small children carrying baskets and running around in open fields searching for colorful plastic eggs filled with candy. They are further alerting the public to the possibility of teenagers congregating in various places at around 4:20 p.m. in order to smoke cannabis. While either of these possibilities seems worrisome enough, the troubling confluence of both occurring simultaneously is explained by the fact that this year, the Christian holiday of Easter is falling on the same day as “420,” the internationally recognized pot-smoking holiday. To quote the police alert: “Residents should be prepared for the possibility of roving bands of young folks crazed by sugar mingling with older children driven mad by the demon weed. It is recommended that residents remain indoors.” Anxious residents can take solace in the fact that these two holidays will not overlap again until 2025.
McGumbus In Training
Those driving across Shelter Island this past week were not imagining things. That was Old Man McGumbus, 104 year-old WWII veteran and former welterweight champion, straddling the double-yellow line and trying to punch cars as they went by. McGumbus, displaying remarkable speed and agility in his padded gloves and boxing shorts, spent several mornings swinging his arms at passing cars—although he seemed to be targeting foreign models almost exclusively, and he seldom landed anything but glancing blows. Police were successful in getting McGumbus to stop each day with a warning, but by Wednesday they felt it was necessary to arrest the automotive pugilist. McGumbus, who claimed to be in training for a return to the ring, put up a ferocious resistance, pointing out that, “Sure, Rocky punched beef, but try finding a meat locker on Shelter Island. McGumbus punches cars.” He was released.
Sinister Signs and Portents
Police report that they received numerous calls from residents this past week who were nervous about the weather. Citing “non-lethal” temperatures, the unexpected warmth of the sun and the consequent ability to leave their houses with “only a jacket,” the absence of “solid precipitation,” and the sudden appearance of flowers where there was previously barren earth, these residents expressed the view that something fishy was going on. In the past, such changes have often led to a sudden influx of disruptive visitors. Police are looking into the situation and have promised to release an advisory if necessary.