New Construction Limits Proposed
Locals turned out in large numbers at a recent town hall meeting to protest rising construction noise. Longtime resident Zeke Schlafsack was the first to speak. “I don’t know about my neighbors, but I like to sleep ’til around 11:30 most days, and I can’t do that when they start that construction racket in the morning.” Next a bearded gentlemen, who preferred to remain anonymous and gave his address as “day-to-day,” remarked that he is often disturbed by “pounding hammers” when he’s trying to get his rest under a seemingly peaceful stretch of privet. Officials are now in the process of formulating new rules for construction sites: weekend construction will be completely eliminated, and they propose that weekday construction will be allowed from noon to 1:30 p.m. and from 4 p.m. until 5:30 p.m., citing 5:30 p.m. as the conventionally recognized “early cocktail time.” Police are currently preparing to enforce these new restrictions.
Old Man McGumbus has landed in fresh legal trouble as the result of protests that were received following the broadcast of an episode of his reality television show. In the episode in question, McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII vet and former Commissioner of Dried Meat Products, led the viewers on a tour of his “farm-to-table” jerky production facility. Many viewers expressed shock at seeing footage of McGumbus herding “critters” into one side of the massive, state-of-the-art processing plant while workers boxed strips of dried meat that emerged from the other side. Officials have embargoed the remainder of the show’s episodes while they investigate whether any broadcast regulations were violated.
Balloon Derby Halted
A local man, witnessing the success of a recent children’s soapbox derby held in the Hamptons, was inspired to organize a balloon-floating contest. His idea was to have children assemble on a hillside, distribute large bunches of helium-filled balloons to each child and then send the children floating into the sky. The child who floated the farthest would have received a trophy. While the man reported that hundreds of parents had entered their children in the contest and paid the $50 entry fee, when the police were notified of the planned contest they took a dim view. The police injunction reads in part: “After reviewing the plans for the planned balloon-floating event, we have concluded that there’s a likelihood that someone on the ground could be injured if, without warning, a child lands on him or her. All balloon-floating events are postponed until such time as this problem is addressed.” Officials also ask that anyone witnessing a balloon-floating event please report it immediately.