Hamptons Police Break Up Leaf Blower Battles

Hamptons Police Break Up Leaf Blower Battles

Police were called in last Wednesday to break up a leaf blower battle in Sag Harbor. The battle started at 7 a.m. and had been raging nonstop when police finally brought it under control at around noon.

According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, blower battles have become common across the East End. “We get people out there on neighboring properties with powerful leaf blowers, trying to blow leaves and twigs onto one another’s lawns. When they’re evenly matched, it can go on all day long.” Hirsch says injuries have been associated with these blower battles, including choking from accidental inhalation of lawn debris, physical collapse from carrying a leaf blower for over 12 hours, and hearing loss from the continuous revving of the leaf blower motors.

“People might look at these as some sort of harmless antics,” Hirsch says, “but the Hamptons Police Department considers putting an end to leaf blower battles a top priority.”

In related news, Hamptons Police detectives have picked up a lead as to the whereabouts of Ernst Blähungen, who was last seen using a powerful leaf blower on Further Lane in East Hampton. A witness said the man was launched into the air and vanished after turning on his blower, and no one had been able to locate him since. But it seems Blähungen was sighted on Friday, detectives say, recounting a call from a Sag Harbor astronomer, who spotted something peculiar in his telescope late Thursday night.

The astronomer, wishes to remain anonymous, reports seeing an anomaly spinning close to the stratosphere over Shelter Island—in very much the same way an overcharged and airborne leaf blower might. “I may be fooling myself, but I could have sworn I even heard a faint screaming, but it’s hard to tell with all that leaf blower racket,” the man told police, who are still investigating.

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