Hamptons Police Detain Man After ‘Star Wars’ Freakout

Hamptons Police Detain Man After ‘Star Wars’ Freakout

The Hamptons Police Department detained a 44-year-old Springs man and held him for observation this week after he reportedly experienced an episode of psychotic rage and set dangerous fires—all brought on by “anger and frustration caused by fears and misgivings over the direction of future Star Wars plot lines.”

The man was having a conversation with a fellow Star Wars enthusiast about the possibilities of “aberrations and pandering” in future installments of the blockbuster science fiction franchise, declaring his conviction that “they”—presumably meaning the filmmakers—were likely to “sell-out the fans” and introduce “far-fetched storylines”—and possibly even cute, cuddly characters in order to sell toys.

Some characters, the man raged, could even be “outrageous racial stereotypes,” thinly veiled beneath their adorable CGI personas.

Efforts to calm the man, by pointing out that he was talking about a fantasy story designed to entertain children, proved fruitless, as he continued to slowly work himself into an uncontrolled fury. At approximately 3:15 p.m., a crew arrived and was able to restrain the suspect. A search of his mother’s home, where the man resides, revealed a charred and blackened computer, which the man said offered “only bad news,” and a heap of melted plastic that police speculate used to be action figure likenesses of a handful of offending characters.

Further investigation of the man’s “basement lair,” led police to discover disturbing graffiti scrawled across two walls, with phrases such as “Gungans No More,” “Shameful Toydarian” and “We Know the Neimoidians.” A scrap of soiled paper hidden beneath the floor panel of a large Millennium Falcon toy read, “Where’s the reality? Meesa fight back.”

Clearly in need of help, the man is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation, though Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch acknowledged, “He’s not entirely wrong.”

Hirsch says the suspect will remain in police custody for his own protection, despite any ring of truth in his ravings.

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