Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 12–18, 2016

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 12–18, 2016

Week of August 12–18, 2016
Riders this past week: 21,411
Rider miles this past week: 165,832

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall were discussing old times on the subway heading for Amagansett from East Hampton last Friday at 8 p.m. Also at that hour, Michael Bloomberg, Ronald Perelman and Wilbur Ross were discussing old times on a train heading from Southampton to Shinnecock.

BIG MEETING HELD
The Mayors of Southampton, East Hampton, Westhampton Beach and Sag Harbor had a big, two-hour confab last Thursday, meeting in one of the subway cars roped off for them as the train made its way through Southampton, East Hampton, Westhampton Beach and Sag Harbor. The Mayors had been wrestling with lots of important issues and since some have been on one side and others on another side, they have gotten so upset they could not even agree in whose jurisdiction they should confab. Meeting on the subway solved that problem, but it appears they got nothing done anyway.

GRAFFITI ARTIST CAUGHT, SUES
The celebrated graffiti artist from Queens Shaq Bazibi was given permission to do his art on the ceiling of the Bridgehampton subway stop last Thursday. At 10 a.m., standing atop one of our subway cars on a siding there, a Motorman on Train 22, the 9:12 out of Montauk, who had not been informed, saw Bazibi spray painting, backed up his train to hitch onto the car Bazibi was standing on and pulled it out from under him. Or thought he did. Bazibi held on, opened can after can of spray and proceeded to mark the ceilings of every subway tunnel on the system as Train 22 made its way around. The result was kind of a mess. The Motorman, Gus Cleveland, was fired. All the subway tunnel ceilings are painted in long, wiggly lines. Bazibi filed a lawsuit alleging pain and suffering, but then retracted it when The New York Times art critic Ben Kingsley declared the ceilings of the Hamptons Subway tunnel to be “a stunning expression of fear, angst and triumph.”

HAMPTONS SUBWAY WINS AWARD
Hamptons Subway was awarded the Bronze Medal at the annual Subway Awards Ceremony in Las Vegas last week. The Bronze was for the category we entered, which is the Less Than 50 Employees, Northeast, United States Cleanliness Division.

NO CAMPAIGNING PLEASE
Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were arrested again last Thursday and given summonses for campaigning on the Hamptons Subway platforms, this time Hillary in Quogue and Donald in Montauk. This is the fourth time in three weeks they have been summonsed. The cost to them keeps going up, from $5 for the First Offense, and then the amount doubling for each subsequent offense. We blame their campaign managers for arranging these illegal stump appearances in defiance of our regulations.

APOLOGY TO COOPER’S BEACH RIDERS
The subway spur that connects Monument Square with Coopers Beach in Southampton was shut down for an hour and a half last Thursday when a Giorgina School, 22, in flip-flops, robe and floppy beach hat proceeded to jump the gun, so to speak, by inflating her floating rubber sea horse right in the subway car, which in the end resulted in her and her inflatable getting stuck in the sliding glass doors as she tried to exit. It took Subway employees 40 minutes, using the Jaws of Life, to pry Ms. School and her inflatable free from the door and another 40 minutes to repair damage done to the door. We regret the two hours that this spur to the beach was out of service.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hamptons Subway’s new marketing director Biff Aspinall, who happens to be my brother, has begun a poll to see who our riders prefer for President. You can buy a mug that reads Clinton or Trump or buy nothing at all.

So far the results are Clinton 0, Trump 0 and Nothing at All 3,400.

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