Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 2–8, 2016

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 2–8, 2016

Week of September 2–8, 2016
Riders this past week: 23,912
Rider miles this past week: 171,814

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner were seen on the Hamptons Subway on Friday sitting next to each other without speaking and with their hands folded in their laps. They did this from Montauk to Westhampton Beach where Weiner finally got off. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin were seen on Sunday afternoon at 3 p.m. on a subway bound from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton. They were staring at a computer screen that Putin was holding. It’s a good thing we now have wireless on our system.

NEWSSTANDS NOW ONLINE
The newsstands that are on the platforms at Montauk, East Hampton, Sag Harbor, Southampton and Westhampton Beach are now all digitized. The latest issues of all the usual magazines are at these newsstands, but they are just the covers. Tap a cover and the issue is wirelessly transferred to your smartphone. The cost is a bit more than buying the actual magazine but it’s worth it because this is just so cool.

MONEY ON THE TRACKS
Along the Hamptons Subway system tracks, our employees are finding hundred dollar bills strewn everywhere. Last week Clinton and Trump were here fundraising and we think the bills are just the excess of the accumulated loot that was taken off in canvas bags. There has also been a dip in the local economy here on the East End, a further indication of the money taken out last week.

SUBWAY CARS WITHOUT DOORS
You may have heard that some of the big subway lines around the country are planning to soon have subway cars that attach in a way that doesn’t require doors separating them. Passengers can walk between one car and the next unobstructed and unexposed. When these cars are here, expected in 2019, their capacity will increase by 30% more passengers per car.

Hamptons Subway has jumped the gun on this and now leads the way. Last week, riders found that all the doors separating the cars were removed, enabling passengers to walk through all the cars from first car to last, just remembering to hold on to the newly installed metal grips as they make their way through the open space in between the cars. Most passengers said they liked this new arrangement and could deal with the balancing necessary to get across the subway car attachments by being very careful and hanging onto the metal grips. A few passengers objected to this, but most are gone now because they either fled the system or fell between the cars and perished. We’ve had only nine fatalities since we’ve made the change, three less than we expected.

EXTRA PUSHERS FOR LABOR DAY
Our crew of 32 college students working as “pushers” on the platforms in the summertime to get everybody packed aboard all the trains, are being joined for Labor Day weekend by pushers from the Tokyo Subway System who, this time of year, are already laid off by that system and are available to work in the Hamptons for the weekend. You will find them a little more polite than their American counterparts, but on the other hand few speak English if they shove you too hard and you want to complain.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As we do every Labor Day weekend, my wife and I go elsewhere while the work unfolds on Hamptons Subway that weekend. There are too many complaints and not enough time to fix them and then it’s all over anyway. We will be in Aix en Provence.

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