Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 4–10, 2016

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 4–10, 2016

Week of November 4–10, 2016
Riders this past week: 17,242
Rider miles this past week: 92,333

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Scarlett Johansson was seen carrying a pumpkin in her lap sitting on the subway Wednesday afternoon heading from Amagansett to East Hampton. Kelly Ripa and Katie Couric were sitting across from each other on a subway car taking them from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor. Sometimes it’s easy to confuse them because of the cadence of their names.

DIP IN RIDERSHIP
The number of people riding the Hamptons Subway last week dropped about 10% from the week before. It was entirely explainable because of the summer-like weather we had last week. People would much rather be outside walking from here to there on days like that, rather than taking the dingy and dirty old subway.

LATE FOR THE TRAIN
We have been trying for two years to accommodate those who want to hurry up and get downstairs to catch a train. When we speeded up the escalator four more miles an hour we had injuries. So we slowed them down again. We tried two miles an hour. Finally, we have decided to just give up. We have ordered 18 children’s playground slides and will have them installed next to the down escalators by Christmas at all the platforms. People in a hurry will be able to jump aboard and slide down. Those in a hurry who are infirm or disabled but wish to avail themselves of this premium service can ask the young people we will have stationed at both the top and bottom of every slide to safely help them down the slide.

CELEBRITY FIASCO
Last year we began running special luxury subway cars on every train. Put in the middle of every train, they are for the use of A-list celebrities only. The luxury sub (as it was called) would stop in the middle of the platform so the celeb would have the shortest walk possible. A society photographer was on every celebrity car. And Champagne was available. We are discontinuing the A-list car beginning January 1. Many people were unhappy with not being on the A-list. Our new Hamptons Subway Marketing Director Billy Bisbie compiled the list and it was “what I say goes.” If you got on his wrong side, you lost your privileges. If you were a friend of his and were a B-list celebrity you got in anyway. It became enough of a status thing for people to see you swiping a subway card at the turnstiles with the big “A” on it that it led to jealousy and hurt feelings. So it’s just too bad. We are in the process of putting a giant “A” on all new subway cards passed out. Everybody is now an A-list celebrity. All of our customers are “first class” in our book.

FIT UNDER THE TURNSTILES
A similar fate is happening with our “Kids Short Enough to Fit Under the Turnstiles Ride Free” program. It was intended to make children feel special and for many it did, but there were occasions when children burst into tears when a growth spurt made them ineligible and there were delays when some now-too-tall-to-qualify kids took off their shoes so they’d be able to fit. Finally there were occasions when adults who are “height challenged” became targets of taunts for using their reduced stature to ride free forever. So this fall, this too is being discontinued. Sometimes we just don’t know what to do with people.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Don’t forget that Hamptons Subway Day is November 6. Put it on your calendar. Enjoy.

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