Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 12–18, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 12–18, 2017

Week of January 12–18, 2017
Riders this past week: 11,923
Rider miles this past week: 89,422

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jimmy Buffett was seen strumming a guitar and humming a tune on the Subway between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor. He looked nice and tanned. Certainly didn’t get tan out here in recent weeks. Must be from Margaritaville. Maybe we should have a stop in Margaritaville.

TRUMP SUBWAY SHUTTLE
Donald Trump has never had a house in the Hamptons—our new marketing director Hal Bean thinks he should. To get him interested, Bean has built a luxurious private seventh car that attaches to the back of every seventh train (there are six trains on the system at any one time), which means it will go out at about two-hour intervals. This last car, to separate it from the others, is painted black and says TRUMP on the side in gold letters. It is only available to Trump, his family and guests. Everyone rides free. The concierge controls the sliding doors. Trump’s desk inside has two red telephones—one to the Pentagon and one to Moscow. There is a teak conference table with fresh flowers and 12 chairs for seating. A bathroom (this will be the only subway car with its own bathroom) has gold-plated toilets and fixtures. When Trump is not present, a full-size cardboard likeness of him is set up to stand on the rear speaking platform of this car. Trump could speak to his constituency as the car departs a station. When he is not “in residence,” the Trump cardboard likeness—we found thousands of them leftover from the days of Trump University—will stand there, with modifications made so it waves goodbye with its right arm as the train leaves, while holding his left arm in tweet position. We hope Trump is encouraged to buy a Summer White House out here. This is just a first step—a “welcome wagon,” if you wish.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY GOLF
The rumors that Commissioner Aspinall was planning to turn the subway system into an exclusive golf course are true. But the plan has gone awry. The main problem is that the proposed developer miscounted the number of stops. His plans called for 18 subway tunnel fairways to lead to 18 greens. And plans had gone ahead with that in mind. However, a closer look at the project—after $100,000 was spent on architectural plans—has revealed there are only 17 subway stops and 17 tunnels. Palmer, Nicklaus and Woods, who are the developers, have approached the town about making an 18th subway stop and, though our Commissioner is willing, the Town has said no. Hamptons Subway’s platforms and tunnels are on the U. S. Historic Register and seventeen cannot be made into eighteen. So now the developers have backed out. “It’s a shame too,” Commissioner Aspinall said. “We had a read good golf course going for awhile.”

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Personally, I am a very avid golfer, and I am particularly saddened that we could not come together with a good plan to turn the subway tunnels into a fine 18-hole course at this time. As a matter of fact, in reviewing the old architectural plans, we find that 18 platforms and subway tunnels WERE planned. Hamptons Subway paid for 18, but only got 17. We are looking to see if we can sue this long gone builder for making this error back in 1927.

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