Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 19–25, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 19–25, 2017

Week of January 19–25, 2017
Riders this past week: 12,412
Rider miles this past week: 94,612

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Natalie Portman, dressed as Jackie Kennedy was seen on the Hamptons Subway Thursday around 4 p.m., heading for the Devon Yacht Club. She played Jackie in the recent movie and apparently did her homework. There is a little known spur to the Devon Yacht Club, which was in use for members only when Jackie was growing up as a girl here, but it got shut down in the 1960s and was never reopened. Or was it?

PRESIDENT’S DAY
Our new marketing director has decreed that on President’s Day all present and former Presidents of the United States ride for free. There’s a whole bunch of Presidents, both living and dead, who have come out to the Hamptons.

DELAY FLAGS
Hamptons Subway cares about its riders. On Monday, flagpole holders were installed on the walls of all the platforms for the new delay flags we had ordered. Ordinarily, there is a green and white ALL CLEAR flag in each holder. But if a train delay happens, our new flag control employees will, depending upon where it is, replace the ALL CLEAR flags with red and white flags reading DELAY. For system-wide tie-ups, we have black flags with white lettering reading EVERYBODY OUT so the angry crowds on the platforms can dissipate up the escalators for a refreshing hike to wherever it is they intend to go. Remember: assaulting a flag control employee or any other subway employee while on the job can get you six months in jail. Wait until they punch out.

OFFICIAL SUBWAY POET
Southampton’s Harrison Osborne McFinch, the much celebrated poet whose new book of rhymes HARK! has shot up to the top of the national best sellers lists, has been named Poet Laureate of Hamptons Subway for 2017. Last Thursday he was presented with the maroon silk sash that signifies his rank. He says he will wear it at all formal occasions he goes to, of which, he says, there are many. Here’s his latest poem, a gem about a recent ride on Hamptons Subway.

LIGHT DARK LIGHT DARK LIGHT DARK.
THE LIVELY PLATFORMS AND BROODING TUNNELS
FLASH ALONG ONE BY ONE,
ALTERNATING IN THEIR FRENZY UNTIL I GET
TO WHERE I’M GOING

Bravo! Encore! We say.

FAKE DRUNKS
Regular riders at the Napeague station called the police after seeing dozens of half-naked young people popping pills and swigging booze rush along the platform to enter the last subway car and slam the closing doors behind them—a trick in itself—just as the train was leaving for downtown Montauk. Police chased the train down the tracks and finally got it to pull over midway between Hither Hills and Second House. Turns out these kids were actors shooting a scene for the TV show Summer House and were dead sober. All walked the straight line, so the police issued warnings, told them to get dressed and then let them go.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I was personally disappointed that no presidents, current and former, living or dead, came to Hamptons Subway to take advantage of our free ride offer. I did call them all. Barack was in Hawaii. George W. was in Dallas, George H. W. was in Palm Beach and Bill was out in Wisconsin for something. Excuses, excuses. The Donald, of course, called to say he was available, but sadly, I had to tell him he was ineligible. He was only President-elect.

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