Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 26 – February 1, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 26 – February 1, 2017

Week of January 26 – February 1, 2017
Riders this past week: 11,412
Rider miles this past week: 99,987

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Several of our nationally known comedians, specifically Jerry Seinfeld of East Hampton, Louis CK of Shelter Island and shock jock Howard Stern, were seen arm-in-arm, walking across the Bridgehampton platform headed, they said, for Montauk.

CLOSING DOOR WALK-IN CLINIC
With the new legal disclaimer now on the back of every subway card declaring Hamptons Subway not responsible for injuries suffered by riders failing to look out for the closing doors as they enter and leave the cars, Commissioner Aspinall, responding to angry letters from injured riders, has established a new Closing Door Walk-in Medical Clinic for anyone so injured. Riders, after being hit and injured, have to merely stay on the train to the Water Mill Stop, get off (or be helped off) and go right into the Hamptons Subway Walk-In Closing Door Clinic, which has its entrance on the eastbound platform wall there. Trained nurses are on duty 24 hours a day, except for when the system is closed for maintenance at night. Trained technicians can operate triage equipment, X-ray machines, MRI machines, and machines that put arms back into sockets. They can also do bandages, dispense aspirins or Rolaids and put legs in casts. Also an optician is on duty to deal with smashed glasses. Injuries the clinic can’t handle are transferred to Southampton Hospital by subway. Water Mill is just one stop away.

TRUMP PORTRAITS
Now that Mr. Trump is president, Hamptons Subway wants to make sure he knows of our unyielding support. As a result, our new marketing director Henry Silvercup, on his own, ordered all the framed portraits of Mr. Aspinall nailed to all the walls on the platforms by the turnstiles replaced with framed portraits of President Trump.

“We wanted a picture of Mr. Trump smiling,” Mr. Silvercup said after being fired. “After contacting every campaign headquarters and photographer that we knew, we finally found one. We made 36 copies. One for both the east and west platforms. The photo could be of him grimacing. But we thought it a smile.”

The Commissioner was not pleased. He had all the photos of himself re-framed smaller and put under those of Donald Trump. And he fired Silvercup for not having run this by him in advance. Then came the Trump tweet.

“Rode Hamptons Subway once. Bad, bad. Take my picture down. Bill, fix things instantly or Trump Tower will take over.”

So it’s back to how it was, but with a smaller Aspinall.

NEW CHEF
Commissioner Aspinall announces the hiring of Le Cordon Bleu chef Alphonse de Lyon as head of our cafeteria on the third floor of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays.

De Lyon is a highly decorated French chef. He worked the last two years as the head chef of Fort Dix, one of this country’s leading military training centers. His baked potato with cottage cheese and pickles received the Bronze Prize at the U. S. Army National Cook-Off in Detroit. His Jell-O molds feature both unpitted and pitted grapes suspending in the mold to keep diners alert and committed. De Lyon was trained at the Craig Claiborne Food Group Coloring Lab School in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and we are blessed that he has joined Hamptons Subway. His imaginative dishes will make their first appearance next week. And remember, employees—guests of employees are not permitted at the company cafeteria unless cleared by management, and paying for their meals in advance.

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