East Hampton Man Demands Town Change Name to Easthampton

East Hampton Man Demands Town Change Name to Easthampton

An official meeting in East Hampton was the scene of disorder on Thursday night, and police were called to monitor the situation and provide security. The cause of the disruption was the proposal, conceived and presented by Stuart Einwort, a resident of East Hampton, that the town change its name from East Hampton to Easthampton.

Einwort’s proposal caused an uproar, with many attendees demanding that officials rule the proposal without merit out of hand. Officials, however, thought it best that Einwort be allowed to make his case like any other resident, and Einwort did so under police protection.

“Isn’t it silly,” began Einwort, “that while Westhampton, Southampton and Bridgehampton all have one-word names, East Hampton is two words? Why should that be? There’s no ‘Hampton’ that we’re east of, after all—if there were, then it might make sense. But as it is, it’s just confusing, and it makes us seem like bumpkins. I say, change the name to be consistent with reality and with the prevailing styles of the names of the other Hamptons.”

Einwort’s arguments did not seem to do much good in changing the minds of his audience, however, with many trying to angrily shout him down.

“I’ve lived in East Hampton all my life, and I’ve never heard such nonsense,” called out an elderly man.

Others accused Einwort of harboring ulterior motives. “He probably owns a signage company,” shouted one irate woman, “and he stands to make a lot of money replacing all of the signs that spell East Hampton as two words.”

Due to the continued disruption, officials were forced to end the meeting early, with no decision issued on Einwort’s proposal.

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