New Wealth Detectors Are Keeping Poverty Out of the Hamptons This Season

New Wealth Detectors Are Keeping Poverty Out of the Hamptons This Season

The Hamptons Police announced Friday that they have successfully installed wealth-detecting sensors on all roads leading into the Hamptons.

“These are state-of-the-art units,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said at Friday’s press briefing. “Now that they’re installed, we expect our wealth-assessment process to be much less time consuming.”

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Hitherto, wealth-assessment was taken care of by beat cops, who would spend valuable time examining the bank account balances and stock portfolios of cars’ occupants before approving vehicles for entrance into the Hamptons. Now, Hirsch said, the process will be streamlined.

“As cars are driven past the sensors, all of the people in the vehicle will be digitally identified and then wealth-assessed instantly by high-speed computers that automatically look up the assets the occupants have available. Police will be notified if there are any occupants who fail to meet the Hamptons Wealth Threshold (HWT). Police will then be able to remove such occupants from the vehicle and transport them west across the canal.”

According to Hirsch, the current HWT is $750,000 per person for adults, $475,000 for minors and seniors. The HWT was established in 2005 as a poverty-fighting measure, but has been only spottily applied because of the difficulties of enforcement. In fact, it’s suspected that individuals with net worths as low as $100,000 have been routinely entering the area. Not anymore, according to Hirsch.

“As far as we know, this system is the quickest and most foolproof way to secure the Hamptons against the ravages of poverty—by keeping low net worth individuals far, far away.”

Hirsch pointed out that the new system additionally checks to make sure everyone entering the Hamptons has at least $300 in cash on their person.

“This is going to keep the freeloaders out, no question,” Hirsch said.

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