Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 13–19, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 13–19, 2017

Week of July 13–19, 2017
Riders this past week: 37,422
Rider miles this past week: 189,912

DOWN IN THE TUBE
New York Yankees Gary Sanchez and Aaron Judge were seen in uniform on the Hamptons Subway on Thursday afternoon heading from Remsenberg to Westhampton Beach. Ken Auletta and Mike Lupica, both in Artist-Writers softball uniforms, were seen on another subway Monday heading from Sag Harbor to East Hampton. All four carried baseball mitts.

DRAMA AT SOUTHAMPTON
A man and woman, both about 40, delayed the subway at Southampton for 40 minutes on Tuesday morning by arguing and pushing each other about whether they were getting off or on at that station. One stood by the subway door on the platform and the other stood on the subway car by the door inside arguing about some person named Jean, or Gene. With the sliding doors open, first one would shove the other on, then the other would shove the first one off. Soon, they both stood shouting on the threshold where each was getting whacked by the doors now rendering them bruised and bloodied. But they didn’t care. At one point he said ‘I never want to see you again!’ and she said ‘I never want to see you again!’ but neither would budge and it went on and on. Other passengers were terrified and subway employees intervened but got punched for their trouble and so had to back off. Finally, both of them, their clothes ripped and glasses askew—they both wore glasses—pushed and shoved each other toward the escalator leaving a trail of blood drops on the cement platform. What a couple of nuts.

NOISE COMPLAINT
People living near the dead-end subway spur that takes beachgoers from Jobs Lane to Cooper’s Beach filed a complaint Monday about loud Beach Boys music. The noise comes up through front lawn air gratings from the spur below. Hamptons Subway does indeed play Beach Boy music in the tunnel along the way, and under advisement from the mayor, we’ve agreed to mute the hoopla a bit.

FBI INVESTIGATING
Hamptons Subway rents out a luxury subway car for meetings and special events. Operating between 2 and 6 a.m., when the subway system is closed for the night, it moves slowly along and offers complete privacy for negotiators and heads of state who rent it.

The FBI claims, correctly, since they’ve asked and we’ve had to comply, that at 2 a.m. on election night this car was boarded by a crowd of 30 people under the name D. Trump and the party got loud, Russian voices were heard and when the final tally came in everyone on that subway car, now drunk with vodka, sang the Russian national anthem a cappella. Hamptons Subway is cooperating completely with the FBI as they decide if this is fake news or espionage.

 MAIN BEACH PARTY GIFTS
While the beach spur goes underground in Southampton from Jobs Lane to Cooper’s Beach, there’s another that goes from Main Street and Newtown Lane to Main Beach in East Hampton. Our new marketing director Gwendolyn Pistachio is conducting a giveaway on the East Hampton Spur this weekend. All young men coming through the turnstiles wearing 1930s-style bathing costumes (black striped T-shirt and shorts) will receive a free transistor radio as long as supplies last. These radios, which work, were recently discovered in an old lost-and-found storage room on our system, all having been left on the beach and turned in by beach boys cleaning up during the 1950s.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Welcome to summer everybody! Yahoo!

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