Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 20–26, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 20–26, 2017

Week of July 20–26, 2017
Riders this past week: 36,932
Rider miles this past week: 168,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Legendary journalist Marvin Scott of Channel 11 News was seen on the subway heading from Quogue to Westhampton Beach carrying copies of his memoir As I Saw It to another public reading on Saturday morning. Robert De Niro and Julianne Moore were seen with Alec Baldwin and his daughter Ireland on the subway heading from Montauk to Amagansett on Friday. Howard Stern, not talking but seeming to be deep in thought, was seen on the subway heading from Southampton to Water Mill on Thursday morning. Paul McCartney was seen on Sunday on the Amagansett platform waiting for somebody. He waited and waited, then took the escalator up.

IS HAMPTONS SUBWAY TO BE SOLD?
Investigators from the FBI have discovered that the reason President Trump is issuing draconian executive orders to Hamptons Subway is that he would like it to be sold by its present owners to the Trump Organization. Trump has ordered the TSA to screen all people coming through all the turnstiles so that persons from six particular foreign, but unnamed, countries can be turned away. He has slapped a 9% federal tax on Hamptons Subway, but not on any other subway system, saying that the money is necessary to pay for the military maneuvers he plans to hold on all the subway platforms and in the tunnels by the National Guard in August. He’s accused our Commissioner Bill Aspinall of malingering incompetence and liberal over-correctness.

According to tapes handed over to the FBI, Trump believes that the Hamptons Subway, with all the wealthy celebrities and Wall Street Bankers on it, is quite a prize. He talks about plastering the walls of the subway system with “Vote for Trump” signs until the 2020 election, after which he intends to give it to Vladimir Putin in exchange for allowing the Trump Organization to resume building a Trump Tower in Moscow, in spite of the sanctions put on that country by Obama that have held things up with that plan.

LARGER WHEELS PRESENT PROBLEMS
In an attempt to comply with new environmental laws requiring subway systems to use less diesel fuel powering the trains, Commissioner Aspinall accepted and installed 400 new subway wheels 3 feet in diameter. The new wheels lift the train eight inches higher and give more roll than the old wheels on the same amount of diesel fuel. A minor inconvenience is that passengers have to step up eight inches on the platform to get into the subway cars, but you will never have to find out about that. After all cars received the new wheels, it was found that the cars were too high to fit into the subway tunnels. Learning of that, our crack maintenance team at the Montauk yards sprang into action on Thursday morning, before dawn, to remove the new wheels and put back the old, which is why last Thursday, there was no service on the system from 6 a.m., when it usually opens for the day, until noon, when it actually did. Bravo, maintenance team!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that President Trump was trying to buy the Hamptons Subway to benefit the Russians. This is the kind of fake news and slanted coverage that puts the American media right on the brink of being declared a danger to America and be muffled forever. The tapes were given to the FBI by a snitch who we have fired for his despicable disloyalty to the Trump Organization. Also, the purchase was not intended to benefit the Russians. The word “Russians” was a code word for “Chinese.” So they got it wrong again.

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