Vexed Local Grocers Report Increased Sales of Bland, Terrible Turkeys

Vexed Local Grocers Report Increased Sales of Bland, Terrible Turkeys

Many local grocery store owners contacted authorities to report a sudden increase in demand for turkeys this week. The unexplained spike in demand for this usually unpopular poultry item raised suspicions and triggered an investigation.

At a Friday news conference, Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch apprised reporters of the direction of their inquiries. “When a store usually sells four or five turkeys a week, and then all of a sudden they move over 300 birds in four days, it raises eyebrows,” he said. “It’s not like turkey has suddenly started tasting better. Believe me, it hasn’t.”

Hirsch went on to enumerate all of the ways in which turkey is inferior to chicken, duck, Cornish hen, and even game birds like partridge. “Down at the station, Chief is actually very partial to pheasant, which he likes to brine and roast. Served with brown butter and roasted potatoes, it’s at least 100 times better than a chewy, tasteless turkey.”

As to what might be behind the elevated demand for a bird that few people are known to enjoy consuming, Hirsch said police had not been able to uncover any new information.

“We’re still interviewing the store owners and reviewing security footage to try to make sense of this. But I have to say, watching videotape of customer after customer lining up to shell out good money for a big, bland frozen turkey makes you think some kind of mass hypnosis might be at work,” Hirsch said. “We’re looking into the possibility that some unethical turkey conglomerates might be placing subliminal advertising on our TV shows or something. If we find that to be the case, we will be calling for these companies to reimburse customers for the cost of buying and preparing something that is, for all intents and purposes, inedible.”

Hirsch took no questions, but did make available the Hamptons Police Chief’s recipe for Asian Grilled Squab with Fresh Slaw. “I’d take it over turkey any day of the week,” he announced, appearing eager to end the news conference in time for lunch.

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