Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Department Considers ‘Chilling Out’ in 2018

After reporting new statistics that showed skyrocketing arrest rates for most types of crime over the course of 2017, the Hamptons Police Department announced this week that in 2018 they plan to “chill a little bit.”

“You have to realize, it’s not just the arrest,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said. “Afterwards, there’s paperwork, court dates, testimony—it’s endless. We have to step back and consider whether it’s all worth it.”

According to Hirsch, the police have planned a department-wide retreat to Acapulco in late January “to reassess this whole crime-fighting thing. There’s got to be more to life!”

Following Wednesday’s announcement and press conference, the South Fork community expressed widely differing opinions about the news.

“This is deeply disconcerting. Our whole way of life could be at risk without their diligent protection,” Sag Harbor resident Harvey Meyerson said while carrying his latest batch of bulbs home from the local nursery. “I’m going to have to take a long think to consider the implications,” he added, pulling a large, brown paper bag closer to his chest, bulbs peeking out of the opening on top.

Taking an alternative stance, Snake McCool “from all over” argued that this would be a good thing for the Hamptons as a whole. “We the people are perfectly equipped to police ourselves. I mean, what could go wrong?” he said, pushing back his blue/black, thickly oiled pompadour with a tattooed hand while taking a drag of his unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarette and adjusting his sleeveless denim vest. “Everyone will be just fine.”

The Hamptons Police Department says they’ll return from Acapulco with answers “some time next month.”

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