twenty something

Roads And Birthday

By David Lion Rattiner

I turned 24 last week, and I have absolutely no idea what the hell just happened. I sat in thought and re-examined my life last Sunday, and pondered where my life is going and where the world is going. A lot of people are thinking that things are looking bad, but on my birthday, I learned from a buddy of mine about a new sports car called the Tesla that is totally sweet looking, can go as fast as a Porsche and is an all out electric vehicle. It made me feel like we were making progress. Because to be honest, the Prius looks kind of funny to me. I’d go for it since it is so fuel efficient, but that would be the main reason I’d buy it. But this Tesla is not a hybrid. It takes 3 hours to charge and can go for 250 miles between charges, plus it is fast, 0-60 in about 4 seconds. It is a slow process, but eventually, stuff like this is going to go mainstream. I believe this for two reasons. One is because I think it is true and the other is because if I don’t, I get depressed.
My cell phone rang. It was my buddy Bruno.
“Dave, my car broke down. I’m at exit 63 on the LIE. I need your help, man, I’m totally stuck here.”
“I’ll be there, buddy, don’t worry.”
I went into super hero mode. Leaving East Hampton, I spent about an hour and a half on the road by myself. Now I had even more time to think, and I checked out the grass that is in the middle of the highway as I cruised along at sixty miles an hour. I got to thinking further. Who the hell cuts all of this grass on the highway? This is an absurd amount of grass. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO CUT ALL OF THIS!
I started to freak out because I had never thought about this before. I can’t believe I’m now 24 and I still don’t know how the grass gets cut on the highway. I mean think about it. It goes on and on for hundreds of miles and the grass is always cut short. It would take an army of guys on lawn mowers, even the ones that you drive, to cut this much grass in a day. I called my buddy Jim, who I used to row crew with at Northeastern and who is at Brown now, getting his Ph.D in chemical engineering. He would know.
“Hey, Dave, what’s up?”
“Hey, Jim. This is going to sound really weird, but I’m driving on the highway right now and you know the grass that is in the middle of the highway?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, who the hell cuts it?”
“Dude, that’s a really good question.”
“It’s a lot of grass, man!”
“Maybe they use like a special grass that is genetically engineered to grow a certain length and then the top part dies.”
“You’re an idiot.”
We talked about this for a long time. We came to the conclusion that there is a state funded army of men and women that are unionized and cut the grass on the highway once a week. I’d like to meet one of those guys that cut the grass. I bet they all hang out together.
I picked up Bruno and drove him back to his house in Bridgehampton. We talked about surfing almost the entire drive back. He told me to stop thinking so much. I told him I had a headache.
When I got home, I talked with my friend Kirk, who was telling me how he is now growing a handlebar mustache and that he enjoys stroking it all day. Should I grow a mustache? I’d rather grow a beard because then you don’t have to shave, which is one of the worst parts about becoming an adult. A moustache would take even more effort than shaving, but it makes you look important, but also kind of weird, but I guess that is kind of the point of it. But if you think about it, it’s a weird idea in itself. I mean, you go your whole life not shaving, then everybody tells you that you need to start shaving once a month when the little moustache starts at sixteen, then you need to shave every day and then one day, you think to yourself, maybe I want that moustache I had back when I was sixteen.
I told Kirk about the new electric car. He already knew about the Tesla. Progress is here, it’s just a little mysterious right now, like the guys that cut the grass on the highway.