Police Blotter
?School Teacher
The former East Hampton school psychologist who was charged with rape and child endangerment after she had a sexual relationship with a 16-year old boy took a plea deal and was sentenced to three years probation, a $230 fine and ordered not to apply for recertification as a psychologist. Twenty-five sixteen-year-old boys have scheduled appointments with the new school psychologist because they are so depressed that the old psychologist will never be back.
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On The Case
A woman called police to report to them that her beach chairs, an umbrella and a pushcart worth $250 had been taken from her private beach at her house in Amagansett. The beach thieves made off with the goods on the pushcart and supposedly left tracks in the sand. However, the tide came in and washed away the evidence before police could track them down.
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Hoodlum
A seventeen-year-old from Greenwich, Conn. was issued a summons after he was seen drinking an alcoholic beverage in a parking lot outside of a grocery store in East Hampton. Those Greenwich kids are so tough. You really got to watch out for them.
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Montauk Jerk
A man in Montauk called police to tell them that he was dragged out of a restaurant by patrons after he had spit on a woman. Police told the guy that he was a real idiot, then hocked a loogie on him.
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ATM Stolen
A business owner in Sag Harbor reported that somebody stole an ATM machine that was worth $2,500 from outside of his store. The business owner noted to police that the ATM machine was empty and contained no cash. Police laughed out loud when they heard this, saying, “You mean to tell me a couple of idiots went through all of this trouble to steal the machine, cracked it open and found no money? That’s just perfect.” Police are thinking about offering the criminals no penalties for the crime if they turn themselves in, under the condition that the crooks tell them the story at a bar.
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Exposure
A Manhattan man was arrested in Southampton by police after he was found exposing himself to motorists passing by him on the road. The man has been nick-named “Pee-Wee Hampton.”
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Bad Boy
A sixteen-year-old boy was arrested in Southampton after he was found stealing two bicycles from a local bike shop and also for resisting arrest. The young lad wouldn’t cooperate with police, who ended up having to call the boy’s grandmother. The grandmother immediately began smacking the boy with her shoe. Police have hired her for their teenage crimes unit.
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Eye Problems?
Police arrested a man in Southampton last week when they saw him on the side of the street in the village smoking pot. When police arrested the man, he was yelling out at the top of his lungs, “Dude, I have glaucoma! I have glaucoma!”
–Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner
