MINI – MOVIE REVIEWS

The Wicker Man
Thirty-three years after the chilling original comes the remake of this British pagan horror film. Neil LaBute, more famous for his showily toxic stage-plays, takes writing and directing credits here in what is a strong interpretation of a classic. The cast, headed by Nicholas Cage with support from the ever-excellent Frances Conroy, seems to be having as much fun as the audience.
Beerfest
The name says it all. From the men that brought you Super Troopers comes this adventure of another type of underdog – American drinkers. Two brothers battle the world in a secret German drinking competition and the usual chaos follows. It is rated R for “pervasive crude and sexual content, language, nudity and substance abuse.” You decide if you want to see it.
Crank
In an ideal world, the premise of Crank would be noxious enough to turn away most, if not all viewers: imagine Speed remade with the hero’s actual heart playing the part of the bus. Yes, if Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) allows his heart rate to fall below a certain level, he will die. All of that said, though, this is guilty pleasure of the first order with enough of a tongue-in-cheek style to allow both thrills and laughs.
Crossover
Director Preston A. Whitmore II helms up this uninspired tale of teens playing basketball and striving for a future outside of violence. Noah (Wesley Jonathan) is trying to get recruited to a college team so he can study medicine while those around him are settling old debts and shooting for him to go straight to the NBA. Predictable dross.
Invincible
Mark Wahlberg stars in this true tale of the absolute underdog. A similar premise to Rock Star (also starring Wahlberg), the gripping story, though already done in every genre, is nonetheless fun and, dare I say, enjoyable. It’s not everyday a bartender becomes a professional football player.
Snakes on a Plane
A crate of deadly snakes is set loose in an airplane in order to kill an eyewitness. Are you serious? Someone actually green-lighted this picture? Does Samuel Jackson even care about film anymore? I have an idea, Hanta on the Boat – mice infected with the Hantavirus are let loose on a boat in order to assassinate an Eastern European diplomat! I smell Oscar!
Material Girls
I ache just thinking about this drivel. Two sisters (Hillary and Haylie Duff) inherit their father’s cosmetic company. It almost goes belly up, but instead of following the advice of the board of directors to sell out, they work hard and save the company. The plot is just like Tommy Boy but I laughed for all the wrong reasons.
Accepted
In the vain of Old School someone ends up starting something that spins wildly out of their control. Instead of thirtysomethings starting a fraternity at a college, we have a high school burnout, who couldn’t get into college, creating one of his very own in order fool his parents. Does he succeed? Does he get the girl (there’s always a girl)? What do you think?
Pulse
In the style of The Grudge, The Ring and, ahem, Dark Water comes this remake of an eerie Japanese modern horror film. Here the concept is that wireless technologies have made a ghoulish connection with some dark spiritual world and predictably, many pretty young things must pay the price. Horror maestro Wes Craven provides the script.