Police Blotter

 

Kayak Caper
A man in Sag Harbor reported that a 14-foot kayak was taken from his backyard last weekend. The man believes that the kayak was stolen from him because of its reputation for winning the kayak races at the Maritime Festival.

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That’s A Lot Of Stuff
A woman in Southampton reported that somebody broke into her BMW X-5 and stole several items including her $1,500 purse with $2,000 in it, two checks totaling $900, a $1,000 wallet, 10 credit cards, a $3,500 watch, a $700 ring, and a $450 pair of sunglasses. I don’t know what to be more depressed about, the fact that Southampton has a thief or the fact that this woman’s purse is more valuable then my car.

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Pipe Down
A man at the Hampton Classic was arrested after he got drunk in the VIP tent and verbally abused a security guard. The man scuffled with police, wresting several officers while they tried to arrest him. He was eventually to jail and charged with resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Oh, those tough guys at the Hampton Classic in Bridgehampton are such a problem. It makes me nervous just to walk down the street I get so scared of them.

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Graffiti
A couple of buildings and a town bus in East Hampton have been hit by graffiti. The graffiti displays slogans such as “Graffiti Is Not A Crime” and “This is for all of the graffiti artists whose art was dismissed as filth!” Obviously the graffiti artists are pretty passionate about their graffiti. They are also remarkably stupid.

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Bad Rental
A woman in East Hampton reported to police that she was driving her rental car down the street when it suddenly caught fire. The Fire Department extinguished the fire, and no one was injured in the incident. However, the rental company is being asked to stop offering exploding engines as an option on their cars.

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You Think?
A runway sign at the airport in East Hampton was damaged the night before the report was made. The manager of the airport believes that perhaps a vehicle caused the damage, or an elephant.

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Swastika Scratcher
A woman in East Hampton reported to police that somebody had scratched a swastika on the tailgate of her pickup truck last week. The woman told police that she is not Jewish and didn’t know if the damage was a random act or was bias. Not cool.

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Stolen Air Conditioner
An air conditioning unit was reported stolen from a restaurant in Montauk last week. The unit was reportedly worth $210 and was taken from behind the restaurant. Perhaps the thief was born without the ability to sense the change in seasons.
–Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner