The Sheltered Islander

By Sally Flynn

Sheltered Islander #416

Celebabies

Why are babies of celebrities making the news? Why are the paparazzi killing themselves to get pictures of Brad and Angie’s and Tom and Katie’s babies? Or any celebabies, for that matter. Are these the first babies born on Earth? Did I miss something? What’s the BFD? I contemplated this while chopping greens for a salad, because that’s all the contemplation this fascinating phenomena warranted, and I came up with a theory.

I used to wonder how the Romans reconciled elevating a man to a god the moment he became emperor. How could an elevation in earthly rank earn a god ranking? Then I remembered that their gods were all very human in nature and behavior, just with superpowers. An emperor has superpowers, thereby easily meeting the Roman criteria for a god.

I think America grants demigod status to celebrities. There are Zeus level players, like Spielberg and Lucas, the beneficent, but still flawed, creators. There are Heras, the wronged wife, like Christie Brinkley of late. There are many qualifiers for the Bacchus, god of wine/parties, status, like Bruce Willis. And even worthless nymphs, Paris Hilton, being the prime embodiment. I mean really... she’s heiress to a fortune. Other than that, what is her contribution to the world? She’s thin, pretty, blonde, vacuous and feckless. Sounds like a great Narcissus to me...

Am I implying that we worship celebrities like the Romans worshipped their gods? Of course not! The Romans bought portraits of their favorite gods and hung them on the walls in their homes, whereas we... never mind. The Romans camped in line to attend celebrations at the temple of their favorite gods, whereas we...okay, that won’t work either. Romans believed that their gods often traveled among them incognito and a lucky Roman would now and then see through their disguise and report a happy or mischievous interaction. Our celebrities never go around, ah... incognito...okay, that’s not a good example either. Romans would sometimes have portraits or incantations to their favorite god tattooed on their skin - how outrageous- whereas we...okay, let’s start over.

The Romans had festivals where they would dress up and act like their favorite god, like they do at Elvis conventions, whereas we....do that at Elvis conventions...just hang with me, I’ll get this. The Romans often named their children after a god to invoke its protection or influence over the child — how inane is that? Like the way my grandparents named my mother Joan for Joan Crawford, but she didn’t become an actress, did she? Which just goes to prove that, I need to find a different example...

Oh wait.. this is good... the Romans offered expensive valuables to their gods in hopes of currying favor and I’m sure there’s no correlation between that and the famous “goody bag” that celebs are given at all major events. Followers of certain gods had huge groups of organized worshippers who would hold events to honor their god. Fan clubs, fan conventions where people go out of their minds at the sight of the celebrity, have no correlation, okay, maybe a slight correlation to the Roman fan clubs, I mean god worship groups.

So why is it such earth shaking news when two celebs have a baby? It would have been big news in Rome, so it has to be big news here. Brad and Angelina, Artemis and Diana, what’s the difference? They must be having a magical baby! Maybe the baby can fly! We must have a picture of it! I want to tattoo it just above my gluteal fold so every one can see it when I wear my thong and bend over.

Another reason I love Shelter Island is the absolute aplomb with which celebrities are regarded here. Many celebs visit, many have homes here. Here, we accept them as just people. Years ago, I saw Sean Connery in our pharmacy. He was buying Advil and some other things. Somehow, knowing Sean has body aches dissipated my burning desire to have his movies tattooed all over my body. I knew that there was a woman at home yelling at him for leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. Suddenly, 007 was just a guy with job in the movies. It was a terrible moment. I much preferred him as a god.