Make A Boat Of Cardboard, Row It And Win

Jean Lynch And Her Cardboard Boat
Jean Lynch And Her Cardboard Boat

Competition runs in the blood of everyone who works at Dan’s Papers. This fact became glaringly obvious when our very own sales representative Jean Lynch responded to a challenge by a salesperson from the Riverhead News Review. Joseph Tumminello threw down the gauntlet when he proposed Lynch race him in the 2nd Annual Riverhead Cardboard Boat Race—and she accepted.

Their somewhat less-than-friendly competition will take place on Sunday, June 26, on the Peconic Riverfront in Downtown Riverhead. People of all ages participate in the race, but for Lynch, her only real opponent will be Tumminello. “He’d better be on his game,” Lynch growled, a glint of ferocious anger in her eye. [expand]

Although this will be her inaugural cardboard boat race, Lynch is taking no chances in her strict preparation. She has been up around the clock researching the best way to build her boat, which is currently fondly referred to as the “Dan’s Papers Paddler.” Her detailed architectural blueprint currently includes drawings for a six-foot, kayak-shaped boat with a flat bottom. She has some more decorative surprises up her sleeve for “The Paddler,” though unfortunately her plan to install a solar-powered motor was squashed by race officials.

Restrictions on boat construction are strictly upheld. Participants are only allowed to utilize cardboard, duct tape, water-soluble glue, and decorative water-based paints during vehicle construction. Boats from last year’s race made a splash with their bright colors and designs, and Lynch’s boat will join the ranks of beautiful boats with her unique mast, which will be covered with Dan’s Papers covers.

Tumminello hasn’t responded yet as to whether or not his boat will include a larger-than-life painting of the latest Dan’s cover on fire, but his agent winked as he said that their design plan has not yet been finalized. Several “senior captains and wise men” from the Riverhead News Review have been putting their heads together to design a legendary boat.

Strength training is also critical in this rowing race. “They say ‘a good rower is a good runner,’” Champion Rower Bo Dermont said about the race. But after an indulgent Father’s Day weekend of bratwurst and gyros, will Tumminello be ready to face Lynch on Sunday?

“I want to win,” Tumminello breathed out through clenched teeth, barely able to control his rage. “I really want to beat her.” Lynch said that recent rumors regarding possible illegal steroid and substance abuse were “completely unfounded,” maintaining that “her account must have been hacked.” She is confident that she will lead Dan’s to victory. A dinner out in Riverhead is in store for the winner of this race.

The competition will certainly heat up the river shore in Riverhead this weekend, as Jean Lynch takes to the water to uphold the honor of Dan’s Papers.

Riverhead 2nd Annual Cardboard Boat Race, Sunday, June 26. Inspection at 10 a.m., Hula Hoop Contest at 11 a.m., Boat Race at 12 p.m. Visit for more information. [/expand]

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