Dan Rattiner's Stories

Guided Missiles at Georgica Pond

Rich or poor, one of the most frustrating issues for a lot of residents in the Hamptons is the incessant helicopter and private aircraft noise. If you live close to the airport or near a common flight path, you can get annoyed just about all day from constant noise and there is little that you can do.

For as long as there have been private aircraft in the Hamptons, there has been a battle against noise, and simply put, the residents are losing. There is no real law that can be imposed on aircraft locally since airplane rules are an F.A.A. issue, and the local government has made attempts to impose voluntary curfews for when planes land, but of course they are voluntary, and there are people that own private aircraft who don’t really care. [expand]

The entire issue reminds me of an old story I once heard as a kid. Once upon a time there was a farmer who decided to put out a scarecrow to scare away the birds that were destroying his crop. At first the scarecrow worked, but in a short amount of time, the crows figured out that there was no real threat and started to ignore the warnings. Finally, the farmer decided to go out into the field with a shotgun and fired his gun at a few of the crows killing one and wounding a few others. When the crows saw that he did that and saw the seriousness of his actions, they left his crop alone. The moral of the story is simple, if strong warnings and words do not work, then strong blows must follow.

And so, it’s about time that residents in the Hamptons, particularly those around Georgica Pond, do so by purchasing advanced laser targeting systems with laser guided missiles to take down a few of these choppers and send a message. They certainly can afford it.

Here are a few of my favorite systems:

MIM-72A/M48 Chaparral (U.S.A.): The MIM-72A/M48 Chaparral is a U.S. Army self-propelled surface-to-air missile system based on the AIM-9 Sidewinder air-to-air missile system. The launcher is based on the M113 family of vehicles. It entered service with the U.S. Army in 1969 and was phased out between 1990 and 1998. It was intended to be used along with the M163 Vulcan Air Defense System, the Vulcan covering short-range short-time engagements, and the Chaparral for longer-range use. The MIM-72A, like the FIM-43 Redeye, uses a first generation infra-red seeker, and can be fooled by flares and “hot brick” jammers, such as the L166 IRCM unit fitted to the Mi-24. Also, the missile needs to be able to see the hot exhaust of an aircraft, making it a tail chase-only missile. A similar B model for training was identical to the A model with the exception of a different warhead fuse. Total cost, $1.5 million.

MIM-104 Patriot (U.S.A.): The MIM-104 Patriot is a surface-to-air missile (SAM) system, the primary one of its kind used by the United States Army and several allied nations. It is manufactured by the Raytheon Company of the United States. The Patriot System replaced the Nike Hercules system as the U.S. Army’s primary High to Medium Air Defense (HIMAD) system, and replaced the MIM-23 Hawk system as the U.S. Army’s medium tactical air defense system. In addition to these roles, Patriot has been given the function of the U.S. Army’s anti-ballistic missile (ABM) system, which is now Patriot’s primary mission. Patriot systems have been sold to Taiwan, Egypt, Germany, Greece, Israel, Japan, Kuwait, the Netherlands, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Spain. And also, hopefully, the Hamptons. The AN/MSQ-104 Engagement Control Station (ECS) is the nerve center of the Patriot firing battery. The ECS consists of a shelter mounted on the bed of an M927 5-Ton Cargo Truck or on the bed of a Light Medium Tactical Vehicle (LMTV) cargo truck. The main sub-components of the ECS are the Weapons Control Computer (WCC), the Data Link Terminal (DLT), the UHF communications array, the Routing Logic Radio Interface Unit (RLRIU) and the two man stations that serve as the system’s man-to-machine interface. The ECS is air conditioned, pressurized (to resist chemical/biological attack) and shielded against electromagnetic pulse (EMP) or other such electromagnetic interference. It looks excellent in green and in sand to match your oceanfront property. Total cost, up to $6 million.

Bristol Bloodhound (UK): The Bristol Bloodhound is a British surface-to-air missile developed during the 1950s as the UK’s main air defense weapon, and was in large-scale service with the Royal Air Force (RAF) and the forces of four other countries. The Bloodhound Mk. I entered service in December 1958 and the last Mk. II missile squadron stood down in July 1991, although Swiss examples remained operational until 1999. This means that you can probably get a discount. It also looks very menacing if you look up a picture of it and would look great on the roof of any oceanfront mansion. The main missile is a long cylinder of magnesium frames and aluminum alloy skin with a prominent olive nose cone at the front and some boat tailing at the rear. Small aluminum-covered wooden cropped-delta wings are mounted mid-point, providing pitch and roll control by pivoting in unison or independently. Two smaller rectangular fixed surfaces were mounted in-line with the main wings, almost at the rear of the missile. It will cut through a helicopter or G5 airplane like butter. Total cost, 1 million Euros.

Good luck Hamptonites.

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