Captain Underpants

Kicking, Punching and Screaming

A man from Southampton was arrested on felony D.W.I. charges last Saturday after an officer caught him driving erratically on the road and then nearly crashed into a parked car. While being arrested he began to flail his arms and started to punch and kick the police officers arresting him. This accomplished very little.


Captain Underpants

East Hampton Town Police are on the hunt for a man who allegedly ran from the basement of a house with a bag holding women’s underwear. A friend of the homeowner saw him and began to fight with him, but he got away. The two of them stood head to head like boxers, but the confrontation was brief, which ended up being more comfortable for everybody when you think about it.


Honey? You Think KFC Is Still Open? 

A man from Westhampton is facing felony D.W.I. in Southampton after he was seen being so drugged up, he fell asleep inside of his vehicle while ordering food at a fast food restaurant. The father of the year had his three-year-old son in the backseat.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103 and former World War II grenade specialist, was driving his 1986 Buick down Main Street when a deer sprang out in front of him. McGumbus clipped the deer, and it damaged the right headlight of his Buick. Infuriated, the old man went into the trunk of his car and grabbed his M203 Grenade Launcher, which  fires a 40 mm grenade. McGumbus, wasting no time, spotted the deer in his sights, whispered the words to himself, “God damn hippies,” and fired. In an instant, the deer exploded into hundreds of pieces. There were deer guts everywhere on Main Street and splattered on some of the cars parked on the side of the road. One of the cars splattered was Bert Pickles, who drives an MG, he is 24 years old and plays in the rock band, “Cool Before It Was Cool.” Pickles yelled out to McGumbus, “Hey Old Man! You messed up my MG!” To which McGumbus replied by loading another grenade into his grenade launcher and said, “That MG? THAT MG YOU GOD DAMN HIPPIE!!!” McGumbus fired and blew up the MG, causing a severe fire that needed to be put out. There is a YouTube video online of McGumbus walking in slow motion with his grenade launcher through the fire like some kind of 103-year-old Terminator. No arrests were made.

    –David Lion Rattiner

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