Hamptons Police Blotter, Memorial Day Weekend Edition

Some of the strangest things happened in the Hamptons this week, even this writer was surprised. Who would have thought that a high speed chase would end on Shelter Island? And who would have thought that Old Man McGumbus would get into a bar fight again?


Well, Lloyd, just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this…Police arrested a 30-year-old man in a stolen van from Montauk on Wednesday. The man, suspected of robbing homes in East Hampton, was trying to avoid police and was attempting to flee, deciding to make a run for it to “escape” on Shelter Island. But to no avail. He crashed the stolen van into a tree off South Menantic Road, and then, minus the drugs and cash that he left in the vehicle, tried to make a run for it on foot. Shelter Island Police called in a K-9 unit, which sniffed out the man, and the arrest was made.


Too Much Coffee? 

A man under the influence of cocaine was charged with cocaine possession in Southampton after he was pulled over by police and he seemed incredibly jumpy. The man tried to tell the officer that he was just really high on too much coffee, but was quickly arrested when the officer found cocaine in the car.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 109-years-old, former World War II interrogation specialist, President of Moustache Authority Magazine as well as founder of Guns, Knives, Flame Throwers And Football Magazine and longtime President of the Secret Order Of Shelter Island Napalm Enthusiasts, was arrested last week for misuse of an explosive device. Old Man McGumbus was apparently in a dispute with a man over a parking space near the Wild Whiskey Angry Man Tavern on Shelter Island. McGumbus, who has been using the same parking space for years at the Tavern, was stunned when he found a 2012 Fiat parked in his space. He walked inside to find two 24-year-old men from Williamsburg at the bar. When he inquired about the parking spot, the two hipsters from Brooklyn stated to McGumbus,

“Hey bro, chill.”

“Okay,” McGumbus replied.

He then walked outside and pulled out of his 1987 Jeep Wagoneer seven custom, Type 99 “Kiska” hand grenades that were used by the Japanese Army during World II, that he keeps for “when something needs to be blown up,” and began lobbing them at the Fiat. McGumbus was able to throw all seven before they went off, a new American record according to him. While the Fiat exploded, McGumbus headed back inside the bar and struck one of the hipsters in the knee, while simultaneously knocking out the other with a back fist to the face.

When police arrived, they found the Old Man at the bar having his usual, Wild
Turkey Whiskey…neat.


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