Hamptons Police Blotter: Old Man McGumbus Declares He "Hates Hippies," Fails Miserably at Reddit IAMA, Spanks Reporter
It was quite the week for Old Man McGumbus last week, who achieved international fame after his weekly antics inspired thousands of people to, as he likes to put it, “live.” The old man held a rally for a new presidential candidate of the United States, and then attempted to use a computer. Other stuff happened in the Hamptons too.
$120 in cash was stolen out of a car in Springs while it was parked in front of a bar. The money was in a white envelope at the time of the theft.
A man in East Hampton reported that a rifle and a box of ammunition were taken from his residence. He said that he last saw the rifle around July 4th. He told police that nothing else is missing from his residence and that there was no sign of a break-in. It was later determined by police that the man’s brother borrowed the rifle and returned it.
A man in East Hampton reported that a generator was taken from his shed last week. He noticed it missing from the box that the generator was packaged in when he bought it.
Old Man McGumbus, 105 years old and former World War II special weapons engineer, who is credited with inventing the world’s first hand grenade that looks like a banana, was arrested last week for drunk and disorderly conduct. McGumbus was hosting a presidential fundraiser for Clint Eastwood, “Because that damn guy should be President,” when he became agitated at a reporter for telling him that Clint Eastwood was not running for President. “That’s not the point!” he yelled, and threw a chair at the reporter. McGumbus demanded that the reporter be arrested, but ended up in handcuffs himself after he pulled off his leather belt and began spanking the reporter repeatedly and viciously. The entire incident was not broken up until the reporter subsequently passed out from the pain of the spanking. McGumbus later attempted to do an IAMA report on Reddit.com after his antics were published on the website, but the IAMA was stopped because McGumbus “hates hippies.”
Stolen Standup PaddleBoards
Two standup paddleboards were stolen from a man in East Hampton. The man said that both of the paddleboards and paddles are missing. The paddleboards were later discovered at Maidstone Beach and appeared to be abandoned. After all, who can handle dealing with those giant boards for more than a week?
An intoxicated man at a bar was approached by an officer and then proceeded to tell the officer that he was attacked by several subjects who all started punching him. He was unable to describe the men and just wanted to get to Montauk, where he was staying. He sustained several cuts to his face. Security at the bar told police that the man was highly intoxicated and was escorted out of the bar for not keeping his shirt on and for instigating fights with people.