As I type this it is 1:50 in the morning and I have not had any sleep for the past three days due to chiggers, the most Godforsaken creature on the planet.
I have spent quite literally the last six hours chemically experimenting with different products and how to battle chiggers after I got them from walking through the trails near Trout Pond in Sag Harbor for no more than half an hour.
I haven’t lost my mind just yet although I am writing this, so maybe I have, and this is no exaggeration; tonight is the third night of my chigger attack and I have had, in total combination, no more than 45 minutes of sleep in the past 72 hours. Needless to say, I am writing this in a semi-delirious state.
My quest began this afternoon to defeat the enemy by going to a dermatologist in Southampton. After immediately identifying my bites as chiggers, he gave me a shot of a drug called prednisone. After a lot of Googling, I later learned that the shot I was given is the same shot that is given to people who have cancer and other terrifying conditions.
It was then that I realized that chiggers or not to be screwed around with.
I have since taken five antihistamine pills as prescribed by my doctor and after a literally four dinner conversation with my dad and my brother explaining why I’m not really a Republican but why they’re idiots for thinking Obama is good for the United States, I came home to find my girlfriend Monica and the bathroom taking a bath and on her fourth glass of wine in attempt to force sleep upon herself, “I’m not dealing with this tonight. I need to sleep. You’re on your own with this. If you want me to knock you out so you can get some rest by me hitting you in the face with this bottle i will.”
She was determined to get some sleep.
“I’ll try to sleep,” I said, “I’m just as tired.”
But as I layed my sleepy head on my pillow, my eyes bulged wide open in pissed off-ness. my legs were itching, and it was bad.
I had accepted almost immediately that there was absolutely no point in trying to get to sleep, so I did what any NORMAL hypochondriac would do, I got on the Internet and looked up chigger home remedy cures, and I decided that I would try out every single crazy suggestion that the Internet brought up, whether it be nail polish or setting my leg on fire with gasoline, I was going to do it.
I decided to save the fire for the end but I’ll have you know that when the battle began I became extremely discouraged. I started out by rubbing, wine onto the chigger bites with no effect. This was my original idea that i came up when I saw the wine bottle and realized that it would be a waste to throw it down the drain, but because I’m on medication, I can’t drink. It didn’t work, but it began the snowball into the road of chiggerdeathworldwar2.
I then dumped salt on my foot and then ran scalding hot water on it as suggested by a young boy who apparently lives in Wisconsin.
He is an idiot.
The battled continued. I lit a cigarette and brought it as close as possible to my skin near a bite. The butt was so close that it actually burned me, and it actually hurt a lot but was sort of a welcome amount of pain in comparisons to the itch, but once I took the cigarette away, the it came back.
For a moment, I seriously considered taking the sharpest knife in my kitchen and just sawing off as much skin as humanly possible from the flesh for the bites that are most condensed, but realizing that with this would be crazy, I diverted to other tactics.
It was by sheer chance that I read a comment by a guy who lives in Tennessee that said completely casually that he once tried spraying Windex on his chigger bites and for some reason that stuff stops the itch due to its scientific chemical makeup of PURE AMMONIA.
I had earlier tried spraying Tilex for a brief moment on my bites, but felt this was too dangerous and quickly washed it off.
But what the hell, I thought, what’s so bad about Windex? I might as will give it a shot. And so I sprayed the Windex on my bites and I can tell you with full confidence, WINDEX WORKS!
I became so happy, that I felt compelled to tell someone. My girlfriend was completely passed out, nobody would answer the phone at this hour, so I began to write. God bless you Windex, God bless you.
Anyway, I’m a little tired, I’m not even sure if I’m going to publish this. And hopefully, people can’t die from spraying themselves with Windex.
If you have chiggers, if you are still itchy, give Windex a try. I’m not sure if I’m going to fall asleep, but this is the end of my chigger report. Good luck. God speed, God bless America.
This was me all night long: