From The PaperSheltered Islander

The Sheltered Islander: The Mayan Scam Exposed

Somewhere in the heavens where the ancients Mayans hang out…

“Can you believe that, Juan? They bought it! They thought the world was going to flip its axis and north would be west, south would go east and Australia would have just spun off on its own.”

“I know, they must’ve had a hundred TV specials on it with all their favorite pundits weighing in. Some of them got all prepared for the end of the world. I’d cry if it weren’t so funny. And look who’s coming—the man of the hour—Manual de Mathica!”

“Yo, guys, I am cleaning up on this bet so much I’m embarrassed. Remember what Senior Penna said? ‘Write in rock and they’ll read it and believe it forever.’ Hell, I was impressed that they even decrypted it.”

“I feel kinda sorry for the people that spent all their time decrypting it though Manny.”

“And you did such a kickass job on those glyphs, Manny, works of art.”

“Yeah. It was just a homework assignment. Just our senior thesis on how to set up a
system to measure time for as long as you wanted to. It was Diego Mathstien that came up with the idea of breaking time into specific units, instead of just one, two, three.

Diego said, “We’ll make up three calendars— one for everyday use, one for religious use and one as a science project to see how far we can go. Diego said let’s just think of the next big astronomical event coming up—like all the planets lining up with the eye of God in the Milky Way—and work the math back so it fits in the timeline. They’ll think we’re geniuses—and they do!”

“They can’t all think that. They’re all still speculating on why our civilization ended quickly.”

“They haven’t figured out it was that five-year drought yet?”

“Not all of them. There was a scientist on National Geographic who did a great job proving with the ice cores that we had a terrible drought while some desert in Africa got all our rain. Maybe some of them just couldn’t realize you need a lot of water for a city that big.”

“Our family left after the temples had donated all their water, we knew we were doomed then. We had to find water or die. So simple, but they have all kinds of theories.”

“Well, after December 21, they’ll start reshuffling theories. They’ll say it actually means the beginning of a new era.”

“I’m just hoping none of them figure out our DirecTV wormhole. Their sports package is killer. Universes may come and go, but sports lasts forever, man.”

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