Hamptons Police Blotter: Fire Breaks Out at Shelter Island Action Theme Park

This week in the Hamptons, police struggled with a burrito thrower, and one guy who tried to escape via taxi.


A man in Wainscott reportedly threw a burrito at his wife during an argument, to which the wife responded by squirting him in the face with a bottle of ketchup. No arrests were made, but one hell of a weird meal was.


A man in Riverhead forcibly broke into a home and stole a television, then called a taxi in order to make a getaway. Both the taxi driver—who attempted to evade police with the passenger—and the alleged thief were arrested after they were tracked down by a police dog. The television from the robbery was recovered, which, ironically, made it back to its owners just in time for a special marathon of the hit show Taxicab Confessions on HBO.

Shelter Island

A fire broke out during construction of the multi-million-dollar roller-coaster park being built on the west side of Shelter Island. The new roller-coaster park, which was anticipated to be completed by this August, caught fire while workers were implementing pyrotechnics on the ride “Fisherman’s Canyon.” Old Man McGumbus, 104-years-old, President and CEO of Bazooka Fire Action Parks Inc., year-round Shelter Island resident and former World War II explosives specialist, said during a press conference that,

“While testing the fire-breathing mega-shark and the fire-breathing ninja elephant, an equipment failure caused the fire-breathing Tyrannosaurus Rex to spontaneously combust. I’d like to personally thank the Shelter Island Fire Department for putting the fires out on the T-Rex, the shark and the frozen banana stand so quickly.”

Authorities attribute McGumbus’ out-of-character graciousness to the fact that he knows “There’s always money in the banana stand.”

Not So Clever

A Sag Harbor woman reported to police that she sent $700 to a person in Florida with the intention of receiving a $3,000 loan. The woman realized it was a scam when the person in Florida asked for more money to release the loan. The woman is out $700, and is looking for anybody out there to loan her $3,700.

Not So Reasonable

A house in East Hampton has suffered severe roof damage and a woman called police to report it. She suspects that the damage was caused by her father, with whom she has been arguing. She believes that he has been tearing shingles off the roof. Some people ground their daughters.

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