Films You Won’t See at the Hamptons International Film Festival

Posters for movies that will not be at HIFF
Posters for movies that will not be at HIFF, Graphic: Oliver Peterson

There are many great films screening at the Hamptons International Film Festival this weekend. These are not among them.

QUEEN KONG—Gloria Steinem stars wearing a gorilla suit proving for all time that Ms. Steinem, good as she might be in a variety of other fields, cannot act a lick.

GODZILLIAN—Tiny dinosaurs, as far as the eye can see, swim up the Hudson River and invade New York.

GALAXY WHIST—A group of astronauts challenge some Russian cosmonauts to a game of cards with disastrous results, although in the end the guy gets the girl.

ARMADILLO—Bruce Willis stars as an astronaut able to plant dynamite into the mouth of the largest reptile ever to hurtle through the solar system on a collision course with Earth.

POLLOCK—A short documentary, never completed, by some college dropouts from Hofstra who managed to track a school of fish for 24 hours in the Atlantic. Rough cut. Animated. Meet the filmmakers after the showing.

THE WIZARD OF OOZE—A restored copy of the famous film, little noticed when it came out in 1937, about a magician who does tricks with Jell-O. This was director Victor Fleming’s first film. Two years later he scored big with his Wizard of Oz movie.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST BARK—Harrison Ford forms a posse in the old west to search for a stolen dog.

CIDER HOUSE SUGGESTIONS—The late TV children’s show star Mr. Rogers’ only attempt to direct a film. You decide.

SAVING RYAN’S PRIVATES—The story of a boy and his dog, who the strict father says has to be fixed if he is to be allowed to stay in the house.

THE SILENCE OF THE CLUMPS—A European import, four hours long, about clumps of earth in the woods and how they never have anything to say, even in deep snow. Won the bronze medal in the nonfiction division at the Oslo International Film Festival in 1999.

YOU’VE GOT FED EX—Tom Hanks stars with Meg Ryan in this sequel to Sleepless in San Diego.

JAWS 6—The mayor of the Island of Amity, to show that, in spite of the shark encounters in Jaws, Jaws 2 and the others, the waters around his island are completely safe for bathing. He calls TV and newspaper reporters in to record his swim around the island.

BYPASSING LAS VEGAS—A man in a convertible discovers there is a superhighway that circles the outskirts of Las Vegas.

MRS. BACKFIRE—A man with a serious gas problem tries to pass himself off as a woman.

TITANIC 2—After the original Titanic sinks, J.P. Morgan, the chairman of the White Star Lines, announces that the original Titanic sank because of human error and he says there is nothing to worry about. He will prove it by building an exact full-scale replica to take a new set of lucky passengers on the exact same trip from Southampton to New York. The new passengers will travel free of charge, all costs picked up by J.P., who will join the trip himself, schedule permitting.

FORREST CLUMP—A cinema verite movie, five hours and 55 minutes long, about a clump of earth deep in the woods of Minnesota.

THE PERFECT STUMP—Woodsmen cut down a tree in a woods in Minnesota, leaving this stump that finds itself right in the middle of the Minneapolis Marathon, causing the worst tripping-stampede catastrophe of all time.

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