The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: October 4–10, 2013

Tunnel Boring Thief
The boring machine thief revealed! Photo Sources: Oliver Peterson, Johnson Cameraface (Flickr)

Week of October 4–10, 2013
Riders this past week: 8,962
Rider miles this past week: 61,412

Bill Clinton was seen traveling eastbound at 4 p.m. last Thursday on the subway between Westhampton Beach and Quiogue. He was carrying a golf club. Richard Gere was seen on the subway traveling from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor on Wednesday at 2 p.m. carrying a cup of Starbucks coffee.

One of the two tunnel boring machines that Hampton Subway owns is missing in action. The machine was parked at the Noyac Station when the subway system closed down for the night at 2 a.m. Monday, but was gone when the employees started to reopen the system at 6 a.m. A huge cylindrical hole 20 feet in diameter was found in the south wall of the tunnel there mostly covered in rubble and dirt, but from the sound of it, it is believed that the hole boring machine either started up on its own or someone started it and then jumped off it, and the result is that the machine lurched into gear and has now bored many miles underground from the Noyac tunnel heading in a southeasterly direction, spitting dirt and rock behind it as it goes. A team of Tennessee mountaineers with pickaxes and ropes have been hired to follow the trail of the boring machine to see where it is now. As we go to press, they have not been heard from either. If you or anyone you know hears a strange noise from underground or feels the ground shake under you, particularly if you live southeast of Noyac, please contact the subway authorities immediately. The second boring machine, which is parked in the Montauk Subway Yards is now under a 24 hour a day guard. Yard supervisor Fred Barnstable has the keys and if you want to use it, you have to sign a form on a clipboard and get the keys from him.

A naked man streaked across the Water Mill platform just after midnight on Tuesday morning and disappeared into the tunnel heading westbound. He has not been seen since. What is happening to our beloved subway system?

The new world leader conference subway car, “The Internationale,” is now available as of October 1 for conferences. Built in our Montauk Subway yard on the frame of a stripped down subway car, it is an opulent affair with leather chairs, a big mahogany conference table, indirect lighting, a pull down screen, a bar, secretarial service, video conferencing and translation services available. Those interested in renting the car, which could be parked on a siding in one of our tunnels or sent slowly around the subway system after hours (for maximum privacy), should contact [email protected] As an opening week special, Hampton Subway is offering The Internationale to Senators, House Leaders, Supreme Court Justices and President Obama free of charge as a place to meet and solve the Obamacare standoff that has shut down the country—but not Hampton Subway, a private company that remains fully operational.

Montauk Yards supervisor Fred Barnstable led myself and my guest, President Obama, on a personal tour of the interior of The Internationale subway car last Tuesday. It’s quite an achievement and I expect it will help solve many political problems around the world. Mr. Obama and his family took a much-needed long weekend vacation with us at our Southampton oceanfront home over the weekend and left aboard US1 from Gabreski Airport on Sunday night after many hugs goodbye.

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