Global Cooling? Suddenly, Global Warming Is Not the Problem

Snowman Cartoon By Mickey Paraskevas
Cartoon By Mickey Paraskevas

It’s quite apparent to anyone who lives in these parts that we have entered an era of Global Cooling. We’ve had snowstorm after snowstorm after below zero temperatures after high winds after ice after blizzards after nor’ easters. It’s been totally unnatural and uncalled for. Most winters, it doesn’t snow at all, or if it does, it’s just a dusting. A big blizzard of snow might happen every four years or so. Now we’ve had blizzards almost every week, and as soon as we push the snow out of the way from one, we get hit with another. And that was just through February.

I can’t explain this. Until this winter, our biggest worry was global warming. All this carbon dioxide was being thrown up into the atmosphere, causing the sun’s rays to get trapped inside and heat the earth.

What must have happened, maybe after Halloween, was that a tear in the atmosphere appeared, through which all the heat came out at once. Or else there must have been some sort of delayed chemical reaction up in the atmosphere, the result of which is chilling air and freezing ice-storm temperatures.

I’ve talked to a few experts about this. This is a dramatic change and they are all baffled. But there is no reason to believe that, after half a century of the temperature creeping up and creeping up little by little, we now have had the bottom fall out (or maybe the top pop off) and are now entering a period for the next half-century where everything gets colder.

Well, during the last half-century, we did virtually nothing to stop global warming. Now, with the reverse, we must take action. There is lots we can do here. For instance, in the summertime we must stop using air conditioners. This should be a no-brainer, because I doubt that the temperature will get over 55 degrees in these parts this coming summer. In the wintertime, we need fire. Lots of it. Make sure there is a fire going 24/7 in your fireplace. If we all do it, this will have an effect. For an even greater effect, go out into the woods nearby and set it on fire. Let it burn.

Here are some other things you can do. Take long, hot, showers. If you’ve been taking showers at 80°, turn the cold down so it’s up close to 100°. When you cook, use the microwave less. Not much heat is created, other than inside the microwave. Instead, use a toaster or a broiler. If possible, leave your kitchen oven on all day. And pull the plug on your refrigerator when you go to bed, then plug it back in in the morning. The food will survive.

Another thing you can do is to run when you want to get somewhere, rather than walk. Break a sweat. Overheat. Take off your coats—let the excess heat out into the atmosphere.

As a matter of fact, your natural body temperature is in the high 90s. As much as possible, take off all your clothes and conduct your affairs naked. You may have to turn the thermostat up to heat the house higher. But that’s a good thing, too.

Stop looking at your smartphone to find out what the weather is going to be for the next few days. It only depresses you. Either you are in a snowstorm or you are about to have a snowstorm. Depression will cause you to slow down. Slowing down will result in your sweating less.

Change your restaurant habits. Go fewer times to the fast food places where they microwave everything. Go more to the slow food places where they cook and cook and cook. And drink more alcoholic beverages. I don’t know exactly how this might affect Global Cooling, but when the next snowstorm arrives, which it will by sometime before the end of next week, you won’t give a damn about it anymore.

On a global scale—this situation could soon spread to other parts of the country and across the globe—join the committee that will hopefully get delegates from countries all over the world to meet somewhere, perhaps in Rio, as was done for global warming, to shake hands with one another, sign a protocol, and head outside into all the snow drifts to find a way to the airport and the flights back home…if they have not been cancelled.

Another thing you can do is join the fight to stop fracking. There are those who believe that bringing up all this gas from beneath the earth caused the tear in the atmosphere. The gas rose. A bulge appeared and then went pop, letting the heat out.

And support all research laboratories that devote themselves to finding a solution to the mystery of Global Cooling, snowstorms, ice, fog and high winds.

We’ve had enough of this. It has to stop.

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