Sheltered Islander: Imagine it — Shelter Island TV!

Shelter Island TV is on the air!
Shelter Island TV is on the air! Photo: Ensup/iStock/Thinkstock

Recently, like many people, I couldn’t stand paying more and more for TV. So, for $8 a month I switched to Roku, a device that give you access to hundreds of TV channels, you can select and really customize your TV. Many channels are local. For example, there’s a channel for the Florida Keys, Myrtle Beach, Colorado Springs and so on. I enjoy them because they’re homegrown, wonderfully funny and blissfully candid about what’s going on in their towns.

It really made me think, what if the Island had its own channel…?

“Good morning Shelter Island! It’s 6 a.m., a balmy 45 degrees. Martin Manic with your Morning Panic here! On the one, the only, the secluded and deluded Shelter Island — 6 a.m. and here we are at the South Ferry, seven cars in line. Let’s find out where everyone is going today. Camera guy and me running up to car number one now, a stern-faced gentleman. Good morning, sir, will you roll down your window and tell us where you’re going this morning?”

“We’re going to work, you moron. Why the hell else would we be sitting in this line at this hour?”

“Ooooo, a grumpy guy here. Let’s say hello to the man in the next car, just about to take a sip from a steamy cup of coffee. Hello, sir! No, sir, don’t throw that coffee!!! Oh, man, my shoes, not cool, dude, so not cool. Over to you, Becky. What’s the word at Wades Beach?”

“Thanks Martin Panic the Morning Manic, I mean Martin Manic and, whatever. Well, just us here right now. It’s a balmy 44 degrees, but that doesn’t stop the action this morning! The tide appears to be coming in and there doesn’t seem to be any way to stop it. We have a couple of crabs fighting over what appears to be an old sandwich. It could be a peanut butter and jelly, maybe old tuna. Jerry, can we get a sample of the sandwich and get it analyzed and, hey, don’t put that in your mouth! Well, folks as you can see, Jerry has verified it is an old tuna that is the cause of this crab altercation.

Wait! The tide is bringing in something in….Jerry, can you get that? What? Boxer shorts? Well, folks, you never know what that tide will bring — that’s why we cover this beach for the town. What size, Jerry? Size 42? All right, Islanders, as you can see, we have a nice pair of blue plaid, size 42 boxer shorts. You can claim them by calling the station, but after 4 p.m. Jerry will be applying the Finders Keepers claim for himself. Now, let’s check in with Bill McGill at the North Ferry. Over to you, Wild Bill!”

“Wild Bill on the Hill here at the North Ferry. A brisk 42 degrees. We got truckloads of workers coming over as fast as they can get off the boat. The coffee is good as usual in the office and the public access bathrooms were just cleaned this morning and they are looking good! Another beautiful morning on Shelter Island. Now, let’s go to one of the hubs of the Island and see what’s buzzin’ with our very own Bea! Hello, Bea Putter.”

“Hi back, Wild Bill! It’s me, the Bea…buzzin’ around here in the IGA parking lot. The store opens in just two hours and it will be fascinating to see who gets here first this morning! We hear there’s plans for repainting parking spaces this year!”

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