Where Are the Hamptons’ Gold Bar and Lobster Vending Machines?

The Hamptons' much-needed gold vending machine
The Hamptons' much-needed gold vending machine, Photos: Banku (Altered from Wikimedia Commons-see bottom of page), Oliver Peterson

The East End needs many things. Some of these include better roads, comprehensive beach management practices and an economy not solely dependent on tourism, to name a few. We’re also missing a much-needed array of upscale vending machines.

How is it that other parts of the world have vending machines—where, for instance, you can by gold bars—but not the Hamptons? Are these places of greater affluence? I think not. An 18-acre estate in East Hampton just established the record for being the most expensive residential home ever sold in the United States at $147 million.

Let me paint a picture for you. Suppose you are running late for a party at one of the many East End mansions and need to pick up a house warming gift. With a gold bar vending machine (these exist, by the way), you can simply stop, swipe your credit card and a bar will drop into the bin. This is convenient and an absolutely appropriate gift for the Hamptons.

And we’re not just lacking gold bars. We should have other vending machines as well.

It is ridiculous to think that on the entire East End, Derwood Hodgegrass is the only person who owns caviar vending machines, and his aren’t even open to the public. Those of us with a midnight craving for some tasty little fish eggs are left without an opportunity to fulfill our desire. More public caviar vending machines should include beluga, ossetra and sevruga caviars.

How about lobsters after dark? Other countries have lobster vending machines. Why not a lobster vending machine in the Hamptons? Of course, the claws will already be banded.

Quite frankly, if a truffle vending machine was installed in my neighborhood, I would frequent it all the time. When I wake at 3 a.m. with a hankering for truffled eggs, it would be quite convenient to simply hop in the car and head for the nearest machine. While I’m there, I might also go ahead and buy some escargot from the nearest escargot vending machine.

I am not suggesting we set these up all over the Island. That would be ridiculous. I think we should create “vending machine zones” in specially designated areas. They would be proudly arranged side to side and waiting to serve the needs of the rich and famous—and hungry.

Of course, I would be remiss in not suggesting we install fine wine and Champagne vending machines as well.

I will forward my suggestions to the applicable municipal boards.

Who’s with me?

Gold vending machine photo above altered from original image by Banku on Wikimedia Commons.

See source here: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Gold_vending_machine_in_Dubai.JPG

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